Chemotherapy: Conquered. A Thing of the Past

I have been meaning to write for quite some time now.  I'm sorry.  I finished my chemotherapy treatments!!!  Yes you read that correctly I am done with chemo!  Finally.  Boy, I tell you what chemo is not a walk in the park, nor is it very much fun.  Even today a month after being finished with it when I think about chemo it makes me sick to my stomach.  I'm glad that I finished it early.  Technically I should be finishing my chemo treatments this month.  Apparently I'm a "special case" in that the doctors have been discussing me and my progress with the Utah tumor board of doctors, and the radiation oncologist has been meeting with his board of doctors about my radiation.  Since the cancer was so bulky and such a big mass they've discussed how to treat it.  I'm just the guinea pig so I go with it and joke around with the nurses.  While we were meeting with the doctor he was showing us the PET Scan from September before I started my treatments to talk about where we were going to blast my chest with radiation.  Here it is:

Ok so this is a PET Scan.  Its the scan that they did where they gave me a shot of some radioactive junk that makes all the cancer cells light up.  So to give you an idea of my cancer take a look at the scan and all the super bright area in my chest and the sides of my neck...cancer.  Basically he said its like the size of a mini basketball.  Pretty crazy huh?

Radiation preparation was really weird.  If you wanted to know what it feels like to be abducted and experimented on by aliens I imagine radiation preparation is what it would be like.  Here is what we did.  They took led me to this room with a huge CT scan machine I laid on the long table bed thing I had to take my shirt off and they have this flat hard plastic mesh mold that they put on you that forms to your body.  Its weird because its a  hard plastic but they have it soak in hot water to soften it up so they can push it against your body and form it.  It was super hot for a second when they first push it on and bolt it down.  It feels like trying to push your hand through under armour or something.  It stretches and mold to your body shape.  They cool it quickly with wet towels and push all over to get an exact fit.  There were around 4 people in the room working on it so I had a ton of hands with wet towels pushing and poking me and the mold.  I could see anything through the mold so I was left to listening to guess what was going on.  Since you are bolted down and can't see it feels a little claustrophobic.  Here's one thing that drive me nuts about nurses and doctors.  They kept asking me questions while the plastic was drying, but when I'd try to answer they'd tell me not to move or talk.  How am I supposed to answer questions then?  I couldn't move and they were scooting me around to get me in the right position.  They even put two little tatooes on my stomach.  They are super tiny little dots like a freckle, but I can now say that I have two tatooes.  Then they ran a bunch of simulations and I just laid there in my claustrophobic mold bolted down while the machine was making noises all over the place and the table moved back and forth.  This is what the mold thing looks like, I googled it.  I'll get some actual pictures of the whole thing and put them up later.

Treatment wise that's where I'm at.  So far so good.  Life is getting back to normal which means I'm insanely crazy busy again.  Just what I said I wouldn't let happen.  Work, school, treatments, church, etc.  Just busy busy busy.  At least we have still found time for some fun stuff.  We have done some pretty cool hikes lately which I love doing.  Nature is the best place to be, especially when you get far enough out that you can't hear a single car or plane or anything.  Just the wind, the animals, the rocks, etc.  I love being out there where you can enjoy what is around you.  We pack a lunch, take the camera, and take Zoey and its great being out there.

Facing the Demons of Depression

Don't worry I'm not depressed, nor do I plan on being depressed.  I haven't written and updated for a while I've just been busy...aka...I've been lazy.  I apologize.  Well lets see here what did I talk about last time?  Smoking your fears and then love what comes.  Now lets continue on this wonderful journey of chemotherapy!

I threw up for the first time because of the chemo.  That was exciting.  Not really.  This last time at the doctors office while I was all plugged in and the chemo was doing its thing and I was minding my own business playing clash of clans on my iPad, then nausea hit me hard.  I felt nauseous all morning I think from dreading the upcoming chemo treatment.  It's not like its a fun thing to look forward to.  I felt it coming and had to get up and roll my IV stand to the bathroom and let the nausea get the best of me.  It was bound to happen sooner or later I'm sure.  The chemo is getting more and more difficult.  Your body can physically only take so much and doing this every other week is pretty tuff.  I thought red flag days were bad.  (Red flag days were the days that my wrestling coach put a red flag on the wrestling room door before practice...those were the practices that made you want to die.)

I faced a demon recently.  Its known best by: Depression.  Here's the story.  So like I said chemo has been getting pretty difficult and really taking a toll on me physically.  Only for a few days after chemo, then I'm back to my normal self.  Anyway, I was having trouble sleeping I think it was last Friday night.  I couldn't sleep at all.  So at 3 AM I decide to sleep in the living room so I don't wake Nina up with my tossing and turning.  As I laid there with just my thoughts I realized that this whole chemo thing sucks.  It's really not that much fun.  I didn't want to do it anymore.  I was at a crossroad.  I had a decision to make.  I think you know what choice I made based on who I am.  I could either be depressed and lose hope, or I could continue to fight.  I choose not to be depressed.  I control myself.  I won't let depression or addiction or anyone or anything control me.  I, and so do you, have this inherent ability within myself/yourself to choose.  I, and so do you, have this inherent power within myself/yourself to act on what I choose.  Could I be depressed?  Oh yeah, that would be so easy to slip into, but it is very difficult to get out.  How easy is it to slide down a hill covered in snow/ice?  Pretty easy.  How easy is it to climb up a hill covered in snow/ice?  Not quite as easy is it?  So what do we do to avoid depression?  How do we get out of depression?  Is it really hopeless?  Is there no way out?

First off its not hopeless.  There is always hope and you know that.  Deep down you always know there is hope.  If you are depressed, hope is a scary thing to face so it seems.  Guess what?  There is a flip side to that.  If you are hopeful, depression is a scary thing to face too.  In life, everything has its opposite.  Even science proves that look at Newtons laws.  For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction right?  Apply that principle of physics to you and your life.  Just know that there is always hope and you can do what you need to do to be happy.  I know that depression is viewed in a variety of different ways.  Can you ever really eliminate depression?  No probably not.  Can you suppress it or like cancer can depression be in remission?  I think so.  That's like saying can you really eliminate happiness?  No, I don't think so.

So here is how I have faced the demon and chose to step past it.

1. Count your blessings.
Sounds cheesy I know, but there is some truth in the cheesiness.  Really look at what you have, take an inventory of what makes you happy around you whatever it is.  You need to see and realize that there are good things around you even in the worst of situations.  Remember the story I shared from a man who was in concentration camps in WWII?  Even he found that people could find happiness in their situation.  I'm pretty sure that we can.  Find and recognize the good.

2.  Have a powerful talk with yourself and ask yourself some questions.
Yup.  Talk to yourself...like a crazy person.  Ok not like a crazy person, but do talk to yourself or have a friend/family listen and help.  Ask yourself:  Is this what I want?  Do you want to be depressed?  Do you want to be happy?  What do you want?  How can I obtain what I want?  Any self evaluating questions you feel you need to ask yourself.  I think by having a powerful talk with yourself you find your feet and you can ground yourself and feel confident that this is something that you can handle and manage.  You need to keep yourself from being overwhelmed.

3.  Take control of your situation and set some goals.
Get grounded and then grab the bull by the horns.  When you realize what you have #1 and you know what you want #2 then you need to put them together and make some plans.  See where you're at and see where you want to be then map it out.  You don't have to go through life in the dark.  By making plans you can have a better handle on the journey.  Of course there are going to be bumps in the road and detours will be taken, but you will have what you need for the journey.  You control the situation the situation does not control you.  Unless you let it...but that's up to you.

4.  Pray.
Ok I know that not everyone does this or believes in God, but you need to do something that is special to you.  Whether its prayer, meditate, chant, you can even dance around I don't know.  I like to pray and meditate.  Whether its seeking divine help or simply clearing your mind and being at peace, you need to feel some sort of serenity and comfort in life.  You need to find your self and feel ok about that.  You need to feel ok about everything.  In a previous post I used the example of the Savior calming the sea in two different situations.  You need the calm in the midst of the storm.  Help is there if you want it.

5.  Make commitments.
These are like goals, but I think of them as being more committed and serious.  You need to commit to improving something.  Keep them simple at first.  Things that you know you can accomplish, celebrate, and feel the success that you can have.  A commitment is saying "I will..." and actually doing it.  Commitment helps with determination.  You need to be determined and committed to yourself and your happiness.

6.  Do it to it!
Ok now get back to doing what truly makes you happy.  Get back to enjoying life.  Stay active, stay busy, stay happy.  You may not be where you want to be but you are heading in the right direction.  You are moving towards what you want and that should make you happy.

Well my friends, I hope this post isn't too much.  I want you to know that I'm happy and I'm satisfied with life.  Life is good.  I'm excited for the holidays.  I'm happy with what I have in life and I'm working hard for bigger and better things.  

What were you smoking up there?....Fear...

This last bout of chemo was a killer.  I've had a total of three rounds of chemo so far and have another coming up this Wednesday.  If there was a round count I would say 2-1 so far.  This last round wasn't unbearable, but it wasn't much fun.  The nausea was the worst of it.  Just that feeling of I could puke if I wanted to, but I don't want to so I won't.  I had that feeling for about four days straight.  Don't worry my friends I came out ok.  No pukage...ok enough about that.

I had a fun time with family recently.  Before round three my Uncle Leo, Aunt Teresa, and two of my cousins Ganae and Jeshua.  The Osorios what a quirky family, I love those guys.  It's nice to have fun with family.  We did a lot of hiking, food, and games.  It was such a nice get-away for me from the mundane norm of school, work, and chemo.  On our first hike I learned a great lesson from my Uncle Leo in Snow Canyon State Park.  We were exploring around the red rocks and he has a fear of heights.  That crazy Colombian was all over those mountains, ever seen an ant hill get knocked over and ants go crazy?  Yeah it was like that but a one man ant frenzy.  He picked out the highest points and like a bat out of hell scrambled up the rocks to reach the top never really looking down until it was too late and he was on top of his little world of fear at the point of the mountain.  His wife at one point called up to him "what were you smoking up there?" and he quickly answered back "fear."  That's right, fear.  How awesome is that.  Is there something that you fear?  Well put it in your pipe and smoke it!  Another Colombian lesson I learned was that lemons fix everything.  Apparently lemons are the elixir of life.  He told us at dinner about how lemons heal anything and are so good for you.  After everyone squeezed their lemons in their water he ate the lemon slices rind and all.  The weird part was that I think he swallowed them whole.  He popped the whole thing in and only chewed three times and swallowed.  I don't know about you but I can't chew lemon rind in three chews.  He told us, true story, that he had an eye infection or something like that and solved that problem by literally squeezing a lemon in his eye like eye drops and ran around like a possessed man and problem solved.  Lemons saved the day.  We also went to the hotel that I work at and they were staying at, we played games and watched the BYU football game.  Just a good time.

Family is so important, no matter how disfunctional it still serves a purpose and a function.  I like that I married into a family who's family motto is this "We may not have it all together, but together we have it all."  I like that a lot.  President Gordon B. Hinckley said "Life is to be enjoyed, not endured."  I think I've used this quote as well by Elder Joseph B Wirthlin, "Come what may and love it."

http://youtu.be/tVNYhcYEwIE

I remember watching this General Conference of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints and this was a great talk given by an Apostle of the Lord Jesus Christ.  What a wonderful message.  Difficult times come to all of us in many different forms.  We can learn to find happiness in all things.  That is one of the things that I love about being a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.  The things we can come to know and the relationship you build with your Father in Heaven and His son Jesus Christ are essential necessities in life if you want your life to be easier than it has to be.  Life can be difficult, but it was never meant to be faced alone.  Remember that, you never have to face anything alone.  I don't care what it is.  I have come to realize that I have never been alone and neither have you.  There is always someone there worrying about you, praying for you, thinking about you.

Thanks to everyone who has been supporting me and helping me as I overcome my trial in life.  Cancer is never fun.   Chemo is definitely not very fun.  But this has come to be one of the best experiences of my life.  If you ever need someone to talk to or just to hear you out with difficulty that you're having, hit me up.  That is one thing that I've decided to do for the rest of my life.  I am here for you.  I have lots of people that have been there for me.  Just so you know if you need anything (besides money I don't have any of that haha) come on over and I'll hear you out.  Thanks everyone again for all that you've done helping us out.  It really means a lot, a day doesn't go by that I don't express my gratitude in prayer for all the help and support we recieve from friends, family, and even strangers.

Remember the Crazy Colombian Uncle Leo, when it comes to fear, climb the highest scariest mountain put it in your pipe and smoke it.