Coming off Cancer

It has been a while since I have updated everyone on the exciting story of me and my friend Hodge.  As I said in my last post, I am DONE!  I don't feel that I can say that cancer is a thing of the past because it is not, nor do I see it ever being a thing of my past.  It is now a part of who I am.  I am a survivor.  I can not allow myself to forget or set aside the lessons I've learned and the experiences that I've had.  I have a heightened awareness for others with cancer now.  Before being diagnosed I thought that cancer was a rare disease that old people or a few young children got.  I now meet many who, like me, have been affected by cancer.  My heart goes out to those who battle the beast and I will forever support and encourage those wonderful people and their families.

Since 'coming of cancer' I have taken an opportunity working in the hotel industry yet again.  Except now I am helping opening a brand new Wingate in Sidney Montana, and then Nina and I will be moving to Perry Oklahoma to open another hotel and stay there as the GM.  Life is good.  Opportunities and blessings are emerging as we re-enter "normal life".

I have had many opportunities to share my story with the people that I meet everyday.  It is funny to me how people almost don't believe me when I tell them that I just recently became clear of cancer.  Apparently I don't look like what a cancer survivor is supposed to look like.  Also, when others find out that I had cancer they are unsure how to act or approach the topic without risking me getting cancer again or something.  They feel as if they have to walk on egg shells because cancer is a secret and might offend me talking about it.  If you know me you'll know that I don't get offended easily and I'm actually excited when I can talk about cancer and I can let others know that cancer isn't contagious and its ok to talk about.

I recently was stuck in the Billings Montana airport on a layover for 3 hours.  In the terminal waiting for my flight there was a girl sitting by herself.  I knew right from the moment I saw her that she was a fellow cancer buddy.  I'm sure to others that she appeared either a sickly cancer patient on deaths bed, or a sickly drug addict lost in life.  No one would sit by the girl she was sitting right in the middle of the terminal and everyone was up against the walls trying not to stare.  I watched her for a bit, and reminded myself the aloneness that I felt before.  I have come to the realization that we are never alone.  Sometimes making a difference in life is reaching out and simply saying hello.  Which is what I did.  I walked over and said hello and struck up conversation.  It did not take long for her to explain that she was battling cancer and had Leukemia.  I said that I also had cancer and that I admired her for her courage and strength.  We talked for about two and a half hours all about our stories and our experiences.  Immediately we connected and were excited that we were not alone in this airport amidst the many other people in the terminal.  When people can relate to each other and find similarities in their differences barriers are overcome and unity can be found.  Her name is Justice and she is my friend.  In another post I will have to share her story, which is an amazing one, and her family's story.

I hope that we can all reach out and do something good.  Again the motto I always say: Do it, Do Good, and Keep Doing It!  We are limited on what we can do for others but we have limitless opportunities to do things for others.  If you want to do something for yourself, do something for someone else and you will find a unique satisfaction that can't be obtained by selfish actions.  There are a few "L's" to remember:  Listen, Learn, Love, Lift.

Listen:  We need to listen more.  If you want to come to know another then you need to listen.  There are so many voices trying to catch our attention everyday.  I'm not talking like crazy voices in my head type of thing, but I'm talking distractions.  When was the last time that you took time to listen to your own thoughts without distractions?  When was the last time that you gave your time and attention to another to simply listen?

Learn:  We need to learn more.  I could fall back and use a cheesy line "knowledge is power" we have all seen those posters in our grade school libraries, but learning is experiencing.  When I say that we need to learn more I mean that we need to experience more.  Familiarize ourselves with things that others find fascinating.  The more you understand the more capable you are able to do.  Learn all you can and experience it.

Love:  We need to love more.  I would venture to say that most people would agree with this.  So...if most people agree with this then what are most people doing to improve in this area?  I dunno.  I'm not you.  I'm not most people.  I am me.  You are you.  I think that we should learn to love ourselves.  I think that by doing that you'll see that is not enough, focusing solely on yourself you will find that there are pieces to that puzzle that are missing.  You will find that your puzzle is incomplete without others.  So how do you love others?

Lift:  We need to lift more.  I mean lifting up others through encouragement, acknowledgement, recognition, and just being nice.  If you can brighten someone's day in some way then you will find a self satisfaction that is impossible to replicate solely by yourself.  I think that I've said this on here before but think about how we all have strengths and weaknesses.  Are these strengths given to us to overcome another's weakness?  Nope.  Strengths are given to lift and support weaknesses.  Why are we not as talented or "weak" in some things compared to others?  I believe that is because it gives others opportunities to use their strengths.  Our weaknesses are not a burden, they are opportunities to strengthen strengths.  If there is something that I'm not good at then I am more than happy to allow another who is better than me to help because it gives an opportunity for that person to use their talents.  When I am asked to help someone I will never turn down an opportunity to give my strength to lift another.

I guess the moral of this story is be a friend, be a good person.  There is so much junk in the world today, but there is a lot of opportunity to do something good.  Make the decision to do something good.  Do something for yourself by doing something for someone else.

Port Partum

My journey with Hodge is coming to an end.  It is a bitter-sweet thought to entertain as I reflect on what the past year has had come to fruition.  I just had the port removed from my chest last week, which means that I no longer have anymore treatments and the battle with cancer is really winding down.  Hodge has left.  We killed him.  He is gone.

Yet for some strange reason I feel like I have lost a part of me.  It is strange.  I have become so accustomed to fighting cancer, battling through the treatments, and reaching for an end to this experience amidst the whirlwind of life.  My focus and desires were blinded by the bloodlust of overcoming adversity that when the battle was won and over, I felt somewhat lost and left in a daze. 

What now?

Enjoy life?  Live happily ever after?  Leave everything behind for a greater more fulfilling life?  Is this post-traumatic stress?  Honestly I don't know.  I don't particularly care to know if it is.  I am done!  I am finished!  The battle is won!  I have climbed, crawled and reached the top and my view has expanded.  I see life differently now.  To face death, witness pain and sickness, and also see life, experience happiness and health makes you appreciate everything in-between.  I'm not one of those people that will compare everything to cancer, but I now have an understanding for myself of perspective in my own life.  I don't know if that even makes sense.

I have to admit that I appreciate the compliments of how I am so optimistic and in good spirits while fighting cancer.  This was the hardest experience I have ever gone through in my life!  Am I glad I went through it?  NOPE.  Am I glad and grateful for what I've learned and how I've grown going through it?  YUP.  However, I will say that staying positive and clinging to hope regardless of how dismal the outcome may seem is essential in overcoming an experience like this.  There is a power in vision.  I'm talking about visioning your success.  It seems that what we consistently place at the front of our mind can happen if we turn it to action.

What you place in front of you, in your path, can be attainable.  You do have to understand other factors that are in play around you, of course.  I don't fully understand it myself but I've had a glimpse of it.  Whatever you want can be achieved, but you have to know how to manipulated the situation, circumstances, and resources you have.  I'll do some thinking about all this and come up with a more cohesive, comprehensive post about it.  My brain is a little scattered at the moment.

I should probably catch all of you up on everything that has happened recently.  Well, obviously, I have beaten cancer!  I have graduated with my bachelors in business administration!  I am now working at SkyWest Airlines!  Life is awesome.  The bills are still all piled up and seem endless but we're getting by.  What's good is that life is good!  It's difficult, but good.

Getting the port out was pretty intense.  Well, it seemed very intense, I was very nervous.  Rather than being put under and doing it at the hospital, Dr. Meyer said that I was young, strong, and healthy enough that he could do it in his office with me awake.  This freaked me out!  Not freaked out but I was scared.  I'm going to be awake and in your office while you cut me open and pull out the port and tubes and all that?  Yes I was.  I met with him a week before taking it out so fortunately I had time to let the nervousness really sink in.  The thought did occasionally cross my mind...what if something goes wrong?  Like he's cutting into me and sneezes.  I would rather be knocked out if the doctor had to say "oops" than be awake and hear that word while he's operating.  So while I joyfully rolled the many situations and different opportunities the doctor could take to sneeze while operating on me in my mind, the day finally came.  I got off of work a little early to head over to his office.  I was incredibly nervous, this was it!  After all his patients were done and left I took my shirt off and laid on the chair/bed under the spotlight.  Of course before sitting down I looked at all the tools on the metal tray next to me to see what he would be using to filet my chest.  I took a deep breath and laid back staring up towards the ceiling thinking to myself I better stay strong, because I told Nina to take pictures and I didn't want to look like a wienie.  She did take pictures by the way and I'll add those on the end so if you get queasy then brace yourself...they aren't that bad though.

The worst part was the shot to numb the area that he'd be cutting into.  That burned and stung like crazy with whatever juice he was pumping me with.  It wasn't one shot either he stabbed me like 20 times it felt like around the port on my chest.  We let those juices marinate in my chest for a few minutes then it was time to slice and dice.  I was sweating like crazy, I could feel little beads roll down my back as the little cleaver he held reached the skin.  I couldn't feel the cut, but I could definitely tell that I was being cut.  Not just because I was curious what was going on and kept looking down to watch, but its a weird sensation to be cut open but not feel a ton of pain.  After the skin was opened he went to work with the pliers and his fingers moving things around and pulling and tugging on stuff.  That was a really weird feeling.  The feeling of his fingers and tools moving around in there...gross.  Still no sneeze at this point.

I could feel the tube being pulled from where it went into an artery in my neck out the hole he cut in the middle of my chest.  Also very weird feeling.  Then he had to cut all the stitches that held the port in place out.  Extracting the port was a little bumpy because the hole wasn't big enough so he had to cut a little more.  Finally when it was out he took out the stitches that were left in me and began stitching me up.  That was it!  It really wasn't bad, and no sneezes.  I got to keep the port.  Sounds gross, but we cleaned it up really good.  Its purple.  I wonder why its purple?



Afterwards, my chest was sore for about a day.  Felt like someone used my chest for a punching bag.  For the first day I felt like I had what I am going to call "port-partum" not to be confused with post-partum.  I didn't give childbirth and I'm glad I don't have to do that!  But I really felt like a piece of me was missing afterwards.  No bump on my chest, the edges and bumps I felt under the skin in my chest were now being felt in a bio-hazard baggie in my hand.  I was slightly confused because I wasn't sure if I missed it.  What a strange feeling.  I'm fully recovered now though, don't worry no more port-partum.  It is a nice reminder though.  Sometimes I'll hold it in my hand and think:  Wow...did I really go through all of that?  Did I really just fight cancer and become a cancer survivor?  Is this what it feels like to be a cancer survivor because honestly I don't feel much different than before?

I am a cancer survivor.  It is done.



I Find Peace in The Garden

I am so happy today.  I am finishing my radiation treatments this week.  What a journey this has been.  At times it seems that it is easy, but to be quite honest this has been one of the most difficult challenges that I have ever faced.  I try to be honest describing how I feel but most times I screen what I reveal because I want to be a "tuff guy" and I want others to see my journey as inspirational because I want others to gain from my pain.  I am not saying that I desire to be placed on a pedestal but I truly love seeing others succeed and overcoming obstacles in life.  I want to share something with you.  I want to share something very personal with you so that you know that I am not as strong as I may seem.  I have seen the bottom of the barrel and I did not pick myself up alone.  I have had help along the way.  I love the gospel of Jesus Christ and I have found a lot of peace and joy coming to know who He is and what He does for us in anytime of our life.  I have learned a lot through this journey of fighting cancer.  I never really saw it as a fight for life, but what I needed to do.  I did have one moment back when this all began where I did question why I had to go through this.  I hope that you read this with an open heart and really try to feel the message.  Listen to the thoughts that come to your mind, feel the feelings that enter your heart, and ask what does this mean for me, my family, my friends, etc.?

In August I was in bed trying to sleep and I could not because of the pain in my chest.  Since being diagnosed in June/July I had never raised question to why I had to go through this.  I accepted the cancer and knew that everything was going to be ok, but I felt so alone.  I felt so isolated from everything.  I felt overwhelmed and the question "why?" was now all that I could ask God.  Why am I in pain?  Why can't I sleep?  Why do I have no energy?  Why am I sick? etc.  It was at this time that I finally pleaded with God wanting to know why me.  I am a good person, I do what I am supposed to do, I don't deserve this.

Sometimes we must be sufficiently humbled before receiving personal glorious messages of truth.  I learned something about how the Lord works with us:  the Lord must take the precious ore that we are and refine us in order to make a beautiful gem of God.  If you know anything about how ore is refined to become what they have the potential to become then you can see how we can compare.

I have come to a better understanding of the Atonement of Jesus Christ and His suffering in the Garden of Gethsemane because I have taken time to personally study it out in the scriptures and the words of modern prophets and apostles.  By doing this I familiarized myself with the life of Jesus Christ and opened the gate for truth to be confirmed to me by the Holy Ghost.

I know that God loves His children and He is the same yesterday, today, and forever.  He speaks to His children, He helps/delivers them from bondage.  He eases burdens that they may seem light.  In times of need He will rescue and reach out with His arm of mercy.

The Atonement of Jesus Christ is not simply for those who stand in need of repentance but to all in every and any situation they are in.  When we learn to rely on Him and His atoning sacrifice we come to the realization that Jesus is "The Christ", Jesus is the anointed one that met the requirements for the sacrifice and price that we may be free and enabled to continue in our personal progression in this life and in eternity.  He truly is a Savior and Redeemer.

We learn from the scriptures about the life of Christ the Anointed One.  We learn of His at-one-ment with God the Father and the children of God.  We are children of God becoming familiar with Him you place yourself on a revelatory path if you apply the principles found in the doctrines of the Saviors example.  By abiding in Him you will be shown and be permitted to see what He sees in you and all the children of Him.  As you open your heart and mind, He will open your eyes.

I testify that Jesus is the Anointed One, Jesus is the Christ, Jesus is our Savior and Redeemer.  The Atonement is real and when righteous desires are exercised through faith in Jesus Christ we become more like Him.

Here is what I have learned about what happened in the Garden of Gethsemane as Jesus Christ prayed for us through the scriptures and testimonies of modern prophets and apostles:

Matthew 26: 36-46

36 ¶Then cometh Jesus with them unto a place called Gethsemane, and saith unto the disciples, Sit ye here, while I go and pray yonder.

37 And he took with him Peter and the two sons of Zebedee, and began to be sorrowful and very heavy.

38 Then saith he unto them, My soul is exceeding sorrowful, even unto death: tarry ye here, and watch with me.

39 And he went a little further, and fell on his face, and prayed, saying, O my Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me: nevertheless not as I will, but as thou wilt.

40 And he cometh unto the disciples, and findeth them asleep, and saith unto Peter, What, could ye not watch with me one hour?

41 Watch and pray, that ye enter not into temptation: the spirit indeed is willing, but the flesh is weak.

42 He went away again the second time, and prayed, saying, O my Father, if this cup may not pass away from me, except I drink it, thy will be done.

43 And he came and found them asleep again: for their eyes were heavy.

44 And he left them, and went away again, and prayed the third time, saying the same words.

45 Then cometh he to his disciples, and saith unto them, Sleep on now, and take your rest: behold, the hour is at hand, and the Son of man is betrayed into the hands of sinners.

46 Rise, let us be going: behold, he is at hand that doth betray me

Why Gethsemane?  Why not up on a mountain?  Think about the symbolism of Gethsemane as the oil press.

"Jesus came to the base of the Mount of Olives to effect the first component of the Atonement. This He did at the Garden of Gethsemane. The word Gethsemane comes from two Hebrew roots: gath, meaning “press,” and shemen, meaning “oil,” especially that of the olive.

There olives had been pressed under the weight of great stone wheels to squeeze precious oil from the olives. So the Christ in the Garden of Gethsemane was literally pressed under the weight of the sins of the world. He sweated great drops of blood—his life’s “oil”—which issued from every pore. (See Luke 22:44; D&C 19:18.)

Jesus was accorded titles of unique significance. One was the Messiah, which in Hebrew means “anointed.” The other was the Christ, which in the Greek language means “anointed” as well. In our day, as it was in His day, the ordinance of administration to the sick includes anointing with the consecrated oil of the olive. So the next time you witness consecrated oil being anointed on the head of one to be blessed, and these sacred words are said, “I anoint you with this consecrated oil,” remember what that original consecration cost. Remember what it meant to all who had ever lived and who ever would yet live. Remember the redemptive power of healing, soothing, and ministering to those in need. Remember, just as the body of the olive, which was pressed for the oil that gave light, so the Savior was pressed. From every pore oozed the lifeblood of our Redeemer. Throughout the joyous days of your mission, when your cup of gladness runs over, remember His cup of bitterness which made it possible. And when sore trials come upon you, remember Gethsemane." Elder Russell M. Nelson

If Peter, James, and John were the only ones in Gethsemane with Christ...why was it Matthew, Mark, and Luke that write about the account?  Gethsemane is a personal experience that comes to us by revelation.

Also notice that it is not His will to suffer, but it is His desire to do the Father's will.

Mark 14: 32-38

32 And they came to a place which was named Gethsemane: and he saith to his disciples, Sit ye here, while I shall pray.

33 And he taketh with him Peter and James and John, and began to be sore amazed, and to be very heavy;

34 And saith unto them, My soul is exceeding sorrowful unto death: tarry ye here, and watch.

35 And he went forward a little, and fell on the ground, and prayed that, if it were possible, the hour might pass from him.

36 And he said, Abba, Father, all things are possible unto thee; take away this cup from me: nevertheless not what I will, but what thou wilt.

37 And he cometh, and findeth them sleeping, and saith unto Peter, Simon, sleepest thou? couldest not thou watch one hour?

38 Watch ye and pray, lest ye enter into temptation. The spirit truly is ready, but the flesh is weak.

Think of the symbolism of a garden:

A place of growth

A place of life giving fruit

A place where weeds are to be overcome and removed

A place of where effort and toil is required to obtain with patience and endurance

In verse 35 why does He fall to the ground?

This was clearly a very real test.  Christ had all the weakness of a mortal body and He was truly suffering physical, emotional, and spiritual anguish.  His immortality was only serving to allow Him to suffer completely without the relief of death.  His godliness did not prevent His suffering.

In verse 36 why "Abba"? 

Abba is an intimate form of the word Father.  Think of it like 'dad or daddy'.  This was a very intimate moment between a son and his dad.  Christ desires to be one with his dad, but hopes that there is another way.  Once again not his will, but his desire to do the father's will.

Luke 22: 39-46

39 ¶And he came out, and went, as he was wont, to the mount of Olives; and his disciples also followed him.

40 And when he was at the place, he said unto them, Pray that ye enter not into temptation.

41 And he was withdrawn from them about a stone’s cast, and kneeled down, and prayed,

42 Saying, Father, if thou be willing, remove this cup from me: nevertheless not my will, but thine, be done.

43 And there appeared an angel unto him from heaven, strengthening him.

44 And being in an agony he prayed more earnestly: and his sweat was as it were great drops of blood falling down to the ground.

45 And when he rose up from prayer, and was come to his disciples, he found them sleeping for sorrow,

46 And said unto them, Why sleep ye? rise and pray, lest ye enter into temptation.

Again not his will to suffer, but his desire to do the Father's.

Take a look at verse 43.  Who was the angel?  What if it were you?  What would you say?  How would you feel at this moment?  Where were you at this moment?  Do you think that we were allowed to witness this as children of God before we were born?

Elder Bruce R. McConkie indicated that the angel was Michael or Adam.

Why Michael?  What could Michael have said or done to strengthen Christ?  Would he have pointed out that there was no other way?

Isaiah 53: 4-5, 10

4 ¶Surely he hath borne our griefs, and carried our sorrows: yet we did esteem him stricken, smitten of God, and afflicted.

5 But he was wounded for our transgressions, he was bruised for our iniquities: the chastisement of our peace was upon him; and with his stripes we are healed.

10 ¶Yet it pleased the Lord to bruise him; he hath put him to grief: when thou shalt make his soul an offering for sin, he shall see his seed, he shall prolong his days, and the pleasure of the Lord shall prosper in his hand.

Notice what did Christ see while offering His soul for sin in verse 10?  "He shall see his seed."

Mosiah 15: 10-12

10 And now I say unto you, who shall declare his generation? Behold, I say unto you, that when his soul has been made an offering for sin he shall see his seed. And now what say ye? And who shall be his seed?

11 Behold I say unto you, that whosoever has heard the words of the prophets, yea, all the holy prophets who have prophesied concerning the coming of the Lord—I say unto you, that all those who have hearkened unto their words, and believed that the Lord would redeem his people, and have looked forward to that day for a remission of their sins, I say unto you, that these are his seed, or they are the heirs of the kingdom of God.

12 For these are they whose sins he has borne; these are they for whom he has died, to redeem them from their transgressions. And now, are they not his seed?

Who are Christ's seed?

It is all who have believed in Him and His atoning sacrifice.

Did Michael show Christ his seed?  If so, what might Christ have seen in our faces?  Would we have given Him strength to endure and go through with the atoning sacrifice, knowing that there was no other way?

"The prophet Abinadi further states that “when his soul has been made an offering for sin he shall see his seed” (Mosiah 15:10). Abinadi then identifies the Savior’s seed as the prophets and those who follow them. For many years I thought of the Savior’s experience in the garden and on the cross as places where a large mass of sin was heaped upon Him. Through the words of Alma, Abinadi, Isaiah, and other prophets, however, my view has changed. Instead of an impersonal mass of sin, there was a long line of people, as Jesus felt “our infirmities” (Heb. 4:15), “[bore] our griefs, … carried our sorrows … [and] was bruised for our iniquities” (Isa. 53:4–5).

The Atonement was an intimate, personal experience in which Jesus came to know how to help each of us.

The Pearl of Great Price teaches that Moses was shown all the inhabitants of the earth, which were “numberless as the sand upon the sea shore” (Moses 1:28). If Moses beheld every soul, then it seems reasonable that the Creator of the universe has the power to become intimately acquainted with each of us. He learned about your weaknesses and mine. He experienced your pains and sufferings. He experienced mine. I testify that He knows us. He understands the way in which we deal with temptations. He knows our weaknesses. But more than that, more than just knowing us, He knows how to help us if we come to Him in faith." Merrill J. Bateman

Alma 7: 11-13

11 And he shall go forth, suffering pains and afflictions and temptations of every kind; and this that the word might be fulfilled which saith he will take upon him the pains and the sicknesses of his people.

12 And he will take upon him death, that he may loose the bands of death which bind his people; and he will take upon him their infirmities, that his bowels may be filled with mercy, according to the flesh, that he may know according to the flesh how to succor his people according to their infirmities.

13 Now the Spirit knoweth all things; nevertheless the Son of God suffereth according to the flesh that he might take upon him the sins of his people, that he might blot out their transgressions according to the power of his deliverance; and now behold, this is the testimony which is in me.

So in verse 13 could Christ have simply understood these things by the Spirit?  Why did He choose to suffer according to the flesh?  Did He feel physically what it was like to break a bone?  Lose an eye?  Lose a loved one in death?  Have family separated by divorce? etc.  How did He prevent these feelings from causing Him to become bitter?

He partook from "the bitter cup" without becoming bitter.  How did He do that?

Also notice that Christ suffered not only for our sins, but for our pains and afflictions.  Why?  Did these require an atoning sacrifice?

The Atonement had to completely cover all the negative effects of the fall of Adam and Eve and that in order to be one with us, He had to experience for himself, according to the flesh, what it felt like to experience every and any weakness and frailty of mortality.

I believe that when the Savior was suffering in the Garden of Gethsemane and he was being strengthened by the angel.  He saw us.  We were there and He saw our faith in Him.  He saw the gratitude and love that we had for Him and what He was doing for us.  I see Him meeting with each of us collectively and individually and gaining strength through us as we gain strength through Him.  He turns to us and says in reference to what He was doing, "Not for me, but for you."  Then He turns to the Father and says what we read in the scriptures, "Not my will, but Thine be done."

I don't always mean to get all religious and churchy on you guys that read my blog.  But truth is truth and the truth is that I have struggled immensely through this fight with cancer.  I have tried to make the most of it.  This is how I have done it.  This is why I continue to do it.  I learned something from this fight with cancer.

Sometimes our brightest hope comes in our darkest hour.