Yet for some strange reason I feel like I have lost a part of me. It is strange. I have become so accustomed to fighting cancer, battling through the treatments, and reaching for an end to this experience amidst the whirlwind of life. My focus and desires were blinded by the bloodlust of overcoming adversity that when the battle was won and over, I felt somewhat lost and left in a daze.
What now?
Enjoy life? Live happily ever after? Leave everything behind for a greater more fulfilling life? Is this post-traumatic stress? Honestly I don't know. I don't particularly care to know if it is. I am done! I am finished! The battle is won! I have climbed, crawled and reached the top and my view has expanded. I see life differently now. To face death, witness pain and sickness, and also see life, experience happiness and health makes you appreciate everything in-between. I'm not one of those people that will compare everything to cancer, but I now have an understanding for myself of perspective in my own life. I don't know if that even makes sense.
I have to admit that I appreciate the compliments of how I am so optimistic and in good spirits while fighting cancer. This was the hardest experience I have ever gone through in my life! Am I glad I went through it? NOPE. Am I glad and grateful for what I've learned and how I've grown going through it? YUP. However, I will say that staying positive and clinging to hope regardless of how dismal the outcome may seem is essential in overcoming an experience like this. There is a power in vision. I'm talking about visioning your success. It seems that what we consistently place at the front of our mind can happen if we turn it to action.
What you place in front of you, in your path, can be attainable. You do have to understand other factors that are in play around you, of course. I don't fully understand it myself but I've had a glimpse of it. Whatever you want can be achieved, but you have to know how to manipulated the situation, circumstances, and resources you have. I'll do some thinking about all this and come up with a more cohesive, comprehensive post about it. My brain is a little scattered at the moment.
I should probably catch all of you up on everything that has happened recently. Well, obviously, I have beaten cancer! I have graduated with my bachelors in business administration! I am now working at SkyWest Airlines! Life is awesome. The bills are still all piled up and seem endless but we're getting by. What's good is that life is good! It's difficult, but good.
Getting the port out was pretty intense. Well, it seemed very intense, I was very nervous. Rather than being put under and doing it at the hospital, Dr. Meyer said that I was young, strong, and healthy enough that he could do it in his office with me awake. This freaked me out! Not freaked out but I was scared. I'm going to be awake and in your office while you cut me open and pull out the port and tubes and all that? Yes I was. I met with him a week before taking it out so fortunately I had time to let the nervousness really sink in. The thought did occasionally cross my mind...what if something goes wrong? Like he's cutting into me and sneezes. I would rather be knocked out if the doctor had to say "oops" than be awake and hear that word while he's operating. So while I joyfully rolled the many situations and different opportunities the doctor could take to sneeze while operating on me in my mind, the day finally came. I got off of work a little early to head over to his office. I was incredibly nervous, this was it! After all his patients were done and left I took my shirt off and laid on the chair/bed under the spotlight. Of course before sitting down I looked at all the tools on the metal tray next to me to see what he would be using to filet my chest. I took a deep breath and laid back staring up towards the ceiling thinking to myself I better stay strong, because I told Nina to take pictures and I didn't want to look like a wienie. She did take pictures by the way and I'll add those on the end so if you get queasy then brace yourself...they aren't that bad though.
The worst part was the shot to numb the area that he'd be cutting into. That burned and stung like crazy with whatever juice he was pumping me with. It wasn't one shot either he stabbed me like 20 times it felt like around the port on my chest. We let those juices marinate in my chest for a few minutes then it was time to slice and dice. I was sweating like crazy, I could feel little beads roll down my back as the little cleaver he held reached the skin. I couldn't feel the cut, but I could definitely tell that I was being cut. Not just because I was curious what was going on and kept looking down to watch, but its a weird sensation to be cut open but not feel a ton of pain. After the skin was opened he went to work with the pliers and his fingers moving things around and pulling and tugging on stuff. That was a really weird feeling. The feeling of his fingers and tools moving around in there...gross. Still no sneeze at this point.
I could feel the tube being pulled from where it went into an artery in my neck out the hole he cut in the middle of my chest. Also very weird feeling. Then he had to cut all the stitches that held the port in place out. Extracting the port was a little bumpy because the hole wasn't big enough so he had to cut a little more. Finally when it was out he took out the stitches that were left in me and began stitching me up. That was it! It really wasn't bad, and no sneezes. I got to keep the port. Sounds gross, but we cleaned it up really good. Its purple. I wonder why its purple?
Afterwards, my chest was sore for about a day. Felt like someone used my chest for a punching bag. For the first day I felt like I had what I am going to call "port-partum" not to be confused with post-partum. I didn't give childbirth and I'm glad I don't have to do that! But I really felt like a piece of me was missing afterwards. No bump on my chest, the edges and bumps I felt under the skin in my chest were now being felt in a bio-hazard baggie in my hand. I was slightly confused because I wasn't sure if I missed it. What a strange feeling. I'm fully recovered now though, don't worry no more port-partum. It is a nice reminder though. Sometimes I'll hold it in my hand and think: Wow...did I really go through all of that? Did I really just fight cancer and become a cancer survivor? Is this what it feels like to be a cancer survivor because honestly I don't feel much different than before?I am a cancer survivor. It is done.
