Personal Concentration Camps

First off, I know that the title of this post may seem borderline inappropriate.  I have a story to share that I have learned from and there are so many great lessons to be taken from.  I want to fill you guys in on how I'm doing really quick since I have had my first treatment of chemotherapy.  I wouldn't wish it on anybody it's no fun.  It's not as bad as I thought it would be but still no fun.  If I had to compare it to something that I've experienced in life before the best example I have is wrestling.  The couple days after chemotherapy feel like I sucked a bunch of weight to make a certain weight class and just wrestled in a difficult tournament.  I was wasted physically.  Atleast, Friday I was spent on energy.  I spent the whole day sleeping and when I wasn't sleeping I was either going to the bathroom to pee or forcing myself to eat something.  I wasn't miserable like I'm sure it sounds.  I was just tired.  The side effects from chemo start kicking in little by little.  My head is itchy every now and then.  Like the inside of it.  The worst part about chemo is how much it throws off your taste buds.  I love food and I love to eat.  Now food tastes weird and I have to try and find foods that I can tolerate and that taste good.  I had a bowl of applesauce and about threw it across the room.  It tasted like we took really old pasta and blended it up.  I'm finding foods that still taste normalish though and not metalish, some foods taste metally.  Man chemo really drains your energy though.  Its a good excuse to be lazy though. Winky face.  Nina has been awesome through all this too.  She is so on top of everything it's great.  She is really bringing the pressure for me though.  She takes such good care of me now the pressure is on when she is pregnant and then I have to take care of her.  Maybe she's just being diabolical and planning ahead knowing that the more effort she puts into taking care of me I'll have to return the favor...girls are so sneaky.

I tried going into work the other day and I lasted about 40 minutes before I was completely zombified and drained of energy.  Just goes back to figuring out how to pace myself.

Ok so here is the story.  I think that it's an awesome and inspiring story and very applicable to all of us in our different circumstances, severe or not.  It is from a book Man's Search for Meaning by Dr. Viktor Frankl.  He was an Austrian neurologist, psychiatrist, and WWII concentration camp survivor.  Here is a part of the book that I liked:

"The experiences of camp life show that man does have a choice of action.  There were enough examples, often of a heroic nature, which proved that apathy could be overcome, irritability suppressed.  Man can preserve a vestige of spiritual freedom, of independence of mind, even in such terrible conditions of psychic and physical stress.
We who lived in concentration camps can remember the men who walked through the huts comforting others, giving away their last piece of bread.  They may have been few in number, but they offer sufficient proof that everything can be taken from a man but one thing:  the last of the human freedoms - to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way.
Even though conditions such as lack of sleep, insufficient food and various mental stresses may suggest that the inmates were bound to react in certain ways, in the final analysis it becomes clear that the sort of person the prisoner became was the result of an inner decision, and not the result of camp influences alone.  Fundamentally, therefore, any man can, even under such circumstances, decide what shall become of him - mentally and spiritually.  He may retain his human dignity even in a concentration camp....I became acquainted with those martyrs whose behavior in camp, whose suffering and death, bore witness to the fact that the last inner freedom cannot be lost....
The way in which a man accepts his fate and all the suffering it entails, the way in which he takes up his cross, gives him ample opportunity - even in the most difficult circumstances - to add a deeper meaning to life."

Wow.  That is powerful.  Sometimes we tend to forget the innate power that we posses given by a loving God.  We can choose.  We do not choose the consequences for actions but we can decide what action to take and what attitude to have about it.  I definitely did not choose to have cancer, but I definitely have decided to make it a great experience and to learn and grow from it.  I am personally being taught through experience something about life and I'm grateful for that opportunity.  "He may retain his human dignity even in a concentration camp."  We all go through trials and tests in life that is inevitable, but we can choose what will become of ourselves.  I hope that we all take time in life to remind ourselves that we are worth it.  We are worth being happy and we are worth enjoying little things in life.

Elder Robert D. Hales, an Apostle of Jesus Christ, said this that I liked also:

"Tests and trials are given to all of us. These mortal challenges allow us and our Heavenly Father to see whether we will exercise our agency to follow His Son. Yes, 'weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning.' Then, in the dawn of our increased faith and understanding, we arise to choose to wait upon the Lord, saying, 'Thy will be done.' Let us not give up on the Lord. His blessings are eternal."

At times life seems dark and gloom and doom etc. But morning will come. Light will disperse the darkness. I've seen this time and time again. Especially recently. Times are tuff but it's ok. It is ok. Make the decision today and learn to trust. "Doubt not, fear not."

Some good advice in the Book of Joshua in the Bible: Choose ye this day whom ye will serve.
Again there is that gift we are given to choose. Choose ye this day. How will I live my life? How will I handle this next challenge?

I can tell you my choice. I choose life. I choose to be happy. I choose to enjoy every day. Chemo or no chemo. Good day or bad day. More wise advice from an apostle of the Lord: "Come what may, and love it."

Tests, Tests, and More Tests

So I know it's been a little while, most of you are probably on the edge of your seats just dying to hear how things are going.  Right?  Anyway, so here is where we are as of...now!

The whole month of August was spent without insurance so no progress during that month.  Everything was put on hold as I mentioned before.  Our new insurance started in September so the first week of September was probably one of the busiest, craziest weeks of my life.  On Tuesday the 2nd I had surgery to have the port put in my chest.  Another early morning hospital visit and adventure.  Hospitals are kind of fun.  The staff is really friendly and fun to joke around with.  I can't believe that they trust people to be in their little waiting room by themselves with all those cool gadgets around to play with when they aren't looking.  wink wink.  I always have the urge to go streaking with those backless gowns and funny socks they give you to wear.  I was super sore after the port was put in.  It felt really weird having that in because it's now a huge bump under my skin.  It is fun to show off though.  I now consider myself more and more like Ironman.  Minus all the money and cool stuff.  The port will be super useful come chemo time but it's just strange to have in.  I'll have another gnarly scar from it though.  I'm probably too excited about all these scars.

On Friday the 5th I had the PET Scan which is a full body scan with contrast and color that is pretty cool to look at.  I went into the cancer center early early in the morning.  This time they take you in a little room with a "comfy" chair, it wasn't that comfortable, and put in an IV and they had this tin can that looked like a military canister for bullets and pulled out a shot in a fat metal casing.  Looked pretty freaky, but it has radioactive stuff that they put into the blood stream to make the cancer stand out more.  After they put the radioactive stuff in I had to sit in the tiny little room for exactly one hour relaxing allowing the stuff to spread through out my body and blood stream.  That was boring, I didn't have my phone, ipad, tv, book, nothing.  Just me and a little room for one hour.  I also had this goofy red drink that I had to sip on for the hour.  The guy said that most people say that it tastes pretty good.  Obviously he has never tried it because it was ok, but I wouldn't say that it was good.  The scan itself took about 25 minutes and I was on a long table that moved in and out of this big tube thing.  I couldn't move for 25 minutes I just had to lay back and enjoy the ride and noise of the machine.  When I was at the doctors checking out the results I got to see all the pictures those were pretty cool because you can see everything.  My whole chest and neck was covered in the cancer stuff, and I almost put my hand up to cover my junk when he scrolled down on the picture...because like I said you can see everything.

Then on Monday the 8th I had the bone marrow biopsy.  Another early morning hospital visit.  The bone marrow sucks.  I wouldn't want to do that again.  I was even sedated for it, but you still feel it kind of.  This test took forever, at least the prep did.  The actual bone marrow part took six minutes.  I had about an hour and a half of prep stuff: blood work, cleaning the area, x-ray, getting all ready etc.  I wish I had better eye sight because I couldn't wear my contacts or glasses so I can't see anything hardly but when I got in the room I was trying to look at all the tools laid out for the biopsy.  Oh! in the room that they do it there is also the x-ray thing and I, of course, was wearing the backless gown thing and I had to lay on my stomach with my butt poking up in the air.  I felt sorry for all the doctors and nurses having to stare at that sight.  I'm sure doctors get paid nice, but I saw some of the other people waiting to do the same...you couldn't pay me enough to stare at those butts all day.  So they started to sedate me and said that I would start drifting off in a minute but no drifting happened.  I was still looking around minding my own business when I felt the needle with the local anesthetic, that stung like a b.  Not a bee, but a B.  I winced at that and the doctor said oh, he's still up better give him some more whatever the sedation stuff is.  So they pumped in some more and I'm sure the looking around I was doing was more like an animal going down in slow motion.  Then I felt the metal straw thing that they tap into the bone.  Tap, Tap, Tap, I remember saying "ooo" because I could feel the tapping.  They pumped in a little bit more of the feel good stuff and then I was out.  Afterwards, I had to stay at the hospital recovering for another two hours waiting for the sedation to wear off and so they could keep an eye on how my butt was doing.  Nice thing was I got all the food I wanted so I had steak and eggs and french toast and juice.

The results from all these tests were great for us.  I'm just a stage 2 so it's only in my neck and chest, but since July the lymph nodes and cancer junk has more than doubled in size which is why my chest is sooooo tight and it's difficult to breathe deep.  There is a lot of pressure on my chest and neck.  Sleeping is difficult at night because I can't breathe like normal.  I run out of energy because I can't breathe like normal.  That part of life is tuff but very doable.  We make it work.  Just have to know how to pace yourself and take it easy.  Two things that I have never done.  I work less which is nice, gives me more time to do things that I enjoy.  I play bass guitar in a band now.  Tons of fun.  I start chemo here soon now and we will be saying goodbye to our friend Hodge.  I'm going to start with 8 treatments of chemo and then do some radiation treatments and they think they can do it with that.

You know I still get asked all the time how I'm doing.  Which is great I love that there are people that care about me.  I tell them that I'm doing great and life is good.  I'm really being honest in that.  Life is great!  I ride my motorcycle, I play bass guitar in a band, I play with my dog, I have an awesome wife, I've been having a lot of fun now that I'm working less.  I am doing things that I enjoy.  I'm more positive about life than ever.  Occasionally I still have people ask how I'm doing, I tell them great, and they look at me a little more sternly and ask "no, how are you really doing?"  I'm still doing great.

I hope if you read this that you know that I hope you enjoy life.  Take time to get away from the craziness of life and take a moment to enjoy that moment.  Just breathe and realize that life is good.  Go for a hike quit watching TV for a minute...unless you're watching a Royals or Chiefs game.  But seriously enjoy a day.  Go to the zoo, go feed a duck, skip rocks on water, just get out.  I've done that lately and I can tell you life with cancer is more enjoyable than the life I had before of working, school, and being crazy busy.  I still want to work and do school, but now I have a whole new realization that work is secondary and life comes first.

Sleepless in St. George

Well I can't sleep.  I haven't slept well at night most nights.  It's really annoying not being able to sleep.  It's boring at 3 AM.  Well I will update you on where we are at with my friend Mr. Hodge.

The month of August was a long month.  No insurance put everything on hold for a month, but we were able to get insurance again.  Luckily since we were dropped by Nina's Starbucks insurance we were able to apply for new insurance and got better insurance.  Bonus!  I've thought about how blessed we have been through this whole situation.  I can honestly say that this has been a good experience so far.  Not that cancer is a good thing but we've grown a lot through this.  I was thinking the other day about all of it and I realized that sometimes our brightest hope is in our darkest hour.  Think about that for a bit.  When that thought came to my mind I was blown away.  Sometimes our brightest hope is in our darkest hour.

So now that we have insurance we are back on track.  It's funny how the doctors were so rushed when we first found out that I had cancer that we do all the tests and get me going with chemotherapy as soon as possible and not hesitate.  Then when we found out that insurance was gone the doctors said to wait and put everything on hold.  It doesn't bother me, I just think that it's funny how that works.

I have surgery tomorrow morning.  We are putting the port in my chest.  It's like a metal button looking thing with a tube that goes into some artery that goes into my heart.  It's a permanent IV that they can easily put the chemo in and take blood out.  More cool looking scars for me.  I wish I could watch what they do during the surgery.

I have another appointment on next Monday to have bone marrow taken out of me and tested to see if the cancer has spread to the bone.  Something that was so important to do very quickly...until insurance was gone. ;)  I'm really not looking forward to that, from what I hear that's not a very fun procedure.  The doctor asked if I wanted to be sedated for it.  Uh, ya!  What kind of person doesn't want to be sedated for that.  I can't be put to sleep I have to be awake but they can at least sedate me.  Of course I want to be sedated.

I haven't been able to sleep like I said earlier.  I get too hot at night and my chest is so tight that sleeping is uncomfortable.  That's the hardest part for me so far.  The fact that my chest is super tight and that makes breathing deep a pain.  Throws sleeping off a bit.  So I try to sleep as much as I can at night, but for the past few weeks it's not more than a couple hours at a time, but that gives me more time to do other stuff right?

I started a fundly account that people can donate and help out with all our bills and stuff.  I was shocked at how many people have donated.  I can't express how grateful we are for the help.  If you ever have a fundraiser use fundly it's a cool site.  The money that is donated goes right into my bank account that we use for the bills.  I have really been impressed at how amazing people are and how they care enough about you that they want to help.

Here's a little scripture to leave you guys with that I like.
Doctrine & Covenants section 6 verses 33-37
33. Fear not to do good, my sons, for whatsoever ye sow, that shall ye also reap; therefore, if ye sow good ye shall also reap good for your reward.
34. Therefore, fear not, little flock; do good; let earth and hell combine against you, for if ye are built upon my rock, they cannot prevail.
35. Behold, I do not condemn you; go your ways and sin no more; perform with soberness the work which I have commanded you.
36. Look unto me in every thought; doubt not, fear not.
37. Behold the wounds which pierced my side, and also the prints of the nails in my hands and feet; be faithful, keep my commandments, and ye shall inherit the kingdom of heaven. Amen.

Remember whatever your are doing: do it, do good, and keep doing it.