Facing the Demons of Depression

Don't worry I'm not depressed, nor do I plan on being depressed.  I haven't written and updated for a while I've just been busy...aka...I've been lazy.  I apologize.  Well lets see here what did I talk about last time?  Smoking your fears and then love what comes.  Now lets continue on this wonderful journey of chemotherapy!

I threw up for the first time because of the chemo.  That was exciting.  Not really.  This last time at the doctors office while I was all plugged in and the chemo was doing its thing and I was minding my own business playing clash of clans on my iPad, then nausea hit me hard.  I felt nauseous all morning I think from dreading the upcoming chemo treatment.  It's not like its a fun thing to look forward to.  I felt it coming and had to get up and roll my IV stand to the bathroom and let the nausea get the best of me.  It was bound to happen sooner or later I'm sure.  The chemo is getting more and more difficult.  Your body can physically only take so much and doing this every other week is pretty tuff.  I thought red flag days were bad.  (Red flag days were the days that my wrestling coach put a red flag on the wrestling room door before practice...those were the practices that made you want to die.)

I faced a demon recently.  Its known best by: Depression.  Here's the story.  So like I said chemo has been getting pretty difficult and really taking a toll on me physically.  Only for a few days after chemo, then I'm back to my normal self.  Anyway, I was having trouble sleeping I think it was last Friday night.  I couldn't sleep at all.  So at 3 AM I decide to sleep in the living room so I don't wake Nina up with my tossing and turning.  As I laid there with just my thoughts I realized that this whole chemo thing sucks.  It's really not that much fun.  I didn't want to do it anymore.  I was at a crossroad.  I had a decision to make.  I think you know what choice I made based on who I am.  I could either be depressed and lose hope, or I could continue to fight.  I choose not to be depressed.  I control myself.  I won't let depression or addiction or anyone or anything control me.  I, and so do you, have this inherent ability within myself/yourself to choose.  I, and so do you, have this inherent power within myself/yourself to act on what I choose.  Could I be depressed?  Oh yeah, that would be so easy to slip into, but it is very difficult to get out.  How easy is it to slide down a hill covered in snow/ice?  Pretty easy.  How easy is it to climb up a hill covered in snow/ice?  Not quite as easy is it?  So what do we do to avoid depression?  How do we get out of depression?  Is it really hopeless?  Is there no way out?

First off its not hopeless.  There is always hope and you know that.  Deep down you always know there is hope.  If you are depressed, hope is a scary thing to face so it seems.  Guess what?  There is a flip side to that.  If you are hopeful, depression is a scary thing to face too.  In life, everything has its opposite.  Even science proves that look at Newtons laws.  For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction right?  Apply that principle of physics to you and your life.  Just know that there is always hope and you can do what you need to do to be happy.  I know that depression is viewed in a variety of different ways.  Can you ever really eliminate depression?  No probably not.  Can you suppress it or like cancer can depression be in remission?  I think so.  That's like saying can you really eliminate happiness?  No, I don't think so.

So here is how I have faced the demon and chose to step past it.

1. Count your blessings.
Sounds cheesy I know, but there is some truth in the cheesiness.  Really look at what you have, take an inventory of what makes you happy around you whatever it is.  You need to see and realize that there are good things around you even in the worst of situations.  Remember the story I shared from a man who was in concentration camps in WWII?  Even he found that people could find happiness in their situation.  I'm pretty sure that we can.  Find and recognize the good.

2.  Have a powerful talk with yourself and ask yourself some questions.
Yup.  Talk to yourself...like a crazy person.  Ok not like a crazy person, but do talk to yourself or have a friend/family listen and help.  Ask yourself:  Is this what I want?  Do you want to be depressed?  Do you want to be happy?  What do you want?  How can I obtain what I want?  Any self evaluating questions you feel you need to ask yourself.  I think by having a powerful talk with yourself you find your feet and you can ground yourself and feel confident that this is something that you can handle and manage.  You need to keep yourself from being overwhelmed.

3.  Take control of your situation and set some goals.
Get grounded and then grab the bull by the horns.  When you realize what you have #1 and you know what you want #2 then you need to put them together and make some plans.  See where you're at and see where you want to be then map it out.  You don't have to go through life in the dark.  By making plans you can have a better handle on the journey.  Of course there are going to be bumps in the road and detours will be taken, but you will have what you need for the journey.  You control the situation the situation does not control you.  Unless you let it...but that's up to you.

4.  Pray.
Ok I know that not everyone does this or believes in God, but you need to do something that is special to you.  Whether its prayer, meditate, chant, you can even dance around I don't know.  I like to pray and meditate.  Whether its seeking divine help or simply clearing your mind and being at peace, you need to feel some sort of serenity and comfort in life.  You need to find your self and feel ok about that.  You need to feel ok about everything.  In a previous post I used the example of the Savior calming the sea in two different situations.  You need the calm in the midst of the storm.  Help is there if you want it.

5.  Make commitments.
These are like goals, but I think of them as being more committed and serious.  You need to commit to improving something.  Keep them simple at first.  Things that you know you can accomplish, celebrate, and feel the success that you can have.  A commitment is saying "I will..." and actually doing it.  Commitment helps with determination.  You need to be determined and committed to yourself and your happiness.

6.  Do it to it!
Ok now get back to doing what truly makes you happy.  Get back to enjoying life.  Stay active, stay busy, stay happy.  You may not be where you want to be but you are heading in the right direction.  You are moving towards what you want and that should make you happy.

Well my friends, I hope this post isn't too much.  I want you to know that I'm happy and I'm satisfied with life.  Life is good.  I'm excited for the holidays.  I'm happy with what I have in life and I'm working hard for bigger and better things.  

What were you smoking up there?....Fear...

This last bout of chemo was a killer.  I've had a total of three rounds of chemo so far and have another coming up this Wednesday.  If there was a round count I would say 2-1 so far.  This last round wasn't unbearable, but it wasn't much fun.  The nausea was the worst of it.  Just that feeling of I could puke if I wanted to, but I don't want to so I won't.  I had that feeling for about four days straight.  Don't worry my friends I came out ok.  No pukage...ok enough about that.

I had a fun time with family recently.  Before round three my Uncle Leo, Aunt Teresa, and two of my cousins Ganae and Jeshua.  The Osorios what a quirky family, I love those guys.  It's nice to have fun with family.  We did a lot of hiking, food, and games.  It was such a nice get-away for me from the mundane norm of school, work, and chemo.  On our first hike I learned a great lesson from my Uncle Leo in Snow Canyon State Park.  We were exploring around the red rocks and he has a fear of heights.  That crazy Colombian was all over those mountains, ever seen an ant hill get knocked over and ants go crazy?  Yeah it was like that but a one man ant frenzy.  He picked out the highest points and like a bat out of hell scrambled up the rocks to reach the top never really looking down until it was too late and he was on top of his little world of fear at the point of the mountain.  His wife at one point called up to him "what were you smoking up there?" and he quickly answered back "fear."  That's right, fear.  How awesome is that.  Is there something that you fear?  Well put it in your pipe and smoke it!  Another Colombian lesson I learned was that lemons fix everything.  Apparently lemons are the elixir of life.  He told us at dinner about how lemons heal anything and are so good for you.  After everyone squeezed their lemons in their water he ate the lemon slices rind and all.  The weird part was that I think he swallowed them whole.  He popped the whole thing in and only chewed three times and swallowed.  I don't know about you but I can't chew lemon rind in three chews.  He told us, true story, that he had an eye infection or something like that and solved that problem by literally squeezing a lemon in his eye like eye drops and ran around like a possessed man and problem solved.  Lemons saved the day.  We also went to the hotel that I work at and they were staying at, we played games and watched the BYU football game.  Just a good time.

Family is so important, no matter how disfunctional it still serves a purpose and a function.  I like that I married into a family who's family motto is this "We may not have it all together, but together we have it all."  I like that a lot.  President Gordon B. Hinckley said "Life is to be enjoyed, not endured."  I think I've used this quote as well by Elder Joseph B Wirthlin, "Come what may and love it."

http://youtu.be/tVNYhcYEwIE

I remember watching this General Conference of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints and this was a great talk given by an Apostle of the Lord Jesus Christ.  What a wonderful message.  Difficult times come to all of us in many different forms.  We can learn to find happiness in all things.  That is one of the things that I love about being a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.  The things we can come to know and the relationship you build with your Father in Heaven and His son Jesus Christ are essential necessities in life if you want your life to be easier than it has to be.  Life can be difficult, but it was never meant to be faced alone.  Remember that, you never have to face anything alone.  I don't care what it is.  I have come to realize that I have never been alone and neither have you.  There is always someone there worrying about you, praying for you, thinking about you.

Thanks to everyone who has been supporting me and helping me as I overcome my trial in life.  Cancer is never fun.   Chemo is definitely not very fun.  But this has come to be one of the best experiences of my life.  If you ever need someone to talk to or just to hear you out with difficulty that you're having, hit me up.  That is one thing that I've decided to do for the rest of my life.  I am here for you.  I have lots of people that have been there for me.  Just so you know if you need anything (besides money I don't have any of that haha) come on over and I'll hear you out.  Thanks everyone again for all that you've done helping us out.  It really means a lot, a day doesn't go by that I don't express my gratitude in prayer for all the help and support we recieve from friends, family, and even strangers.

Remember the Crazy Colombian Uncle Leo, when it comes to fear, climb the highest scariest mountain put it in your pipe and smoke it.

The Young and the Restless, Days of My Life, as the Bald and the Beautiful

Round 2 is down and over with!  Round 3 is coming up this Wednesday.  So my beautiful hair held on for as long as they could.  Those tough little hair follicles just couldn't withstand the chemo.  It started last Sunday that I noticed that when I woke up in the morning that my pillow had an unusual amount of hair on it.  It wasn't Zoey's hair (our dog), but long curly black hairs...mine...from my head.  This of course struck some fear within myself.  It is always a difficult time in a man's life when he begins to lose his mane.  At times when you have a full head of hair you feel invincible like Sampson.  Just arm me with a jawbone for a weapon and I can take over the world.  However, when you lose the hair it feels like you are losing power over life.  Unfortunately we are not like chia pets and just add water and it magically grows.  Actually the opposite happens, when I took a shower I would have a hand full of hair.  Not like giant clumps just lots of single strands.  I promised the young men in our ward that I serve with that when my hair started falling out that they could shave my head.  We did it on Tuesday night.  So I went all day Monday shedding like a dog.  I could feel hair falling out little by little.  When Tuesday came we got some pizza and then went to town on buzzing everything off.  As careful as those boys were with not pulling my hair when buzzing it...they should probably look to other career paths besides barber.  They were not gentle, but it was fun.

This time around (round 2) wasn't as bad as the first round of chemo.  I definitely was fatigued and super tired.  Food tasted awful.  Water tasted like metal.  All in all we knew what to expect minus the hair loss.  While getting chemo we had a lot more people getting chemo the same time as us so the room of comfy recliners was full of husbands getting pumped with chemo and wives supporting them.  Funny thing is that all of us had lymphoma of some sort.  I was the youngest out of everyone.  Its funny how people think that all cancer patients are weak, miserable, and in pain.  All of us in the room were joking and talking about life and hiking and stuff.  People don't even realize that I have cancer unless I tell them.  Here's an example, I was at work and I was helping a lady with some computer stuff in our business room.  I had my head shaved, and she asked if I was in the military because of the short buzz and she said I had a look like I had it all together...whatever that means.  I told her no and we were talking and came out that I had cancer which is why I had no hair.  Her whole demeanor changed when she heard that even though we were joking and laughing just before that.  I'm not upset or frustrated at all with out she treated me right after that I think it's funny.  She immediately talked as if I was on the floor injured and was three years old.  "Oh my gosh! I'm so sorry, are you ok? Can I do anything for you?"  I laughed and said that she could buy me lunch.  Winky face.  We laughed it off.  She never did buy me lunch though...

I had a friend say that she knew how I felt regarding people treating you different.  She knew that she didn't mean with the cancer, but she compared it to pregnancy.  I agree.  It's like people are trying to help you walk across a bed of nails even though you can walk normal without assistance.  Its ok though best just to have fun with it.  Another way cancer people are like prego people, no sushi...NOOOOOO!!!!  I've been bummed about that one...no sushi.  What a sad story.  To all the ladies in the world, I have a new found respect for you.  Especially all you crazy pregnant ladies of the world.  You are all a bunch of rockstars in my mind.  Super moms.

I love hearing people tell me that I look great and that I can do it.  It's unfortunate that I had to be diagnosed with cancer before I could have people tell me that I look great.  I must have been hideous before.  Also I get this a lot, "you can do it we are all pulling for you."  Before this is probably what I've been told my whole life, "Lawrence, are you sure about that?"  "I'm not too sure about that Lawrence, be careful."

Oh! Another interesting thing while we were at the doctors this last time we looked at my blood lab results for all the blood count and stuff.  Before we did the first treatment my white blood cell count level was a 9.8 which is a little above normal apparently...I don't know I'm no doctor I just trust what they tell me.  Before the second treatment it dropped down to 2.7, which is pretty low.  I have to be careful not to get sick, I've considered living in a portable bubble and becoming a real life bubble boy.  Could be fun right?  It would be like when I wore an inflatable sumo suit to go bowling.

Ok I have a question for all of you feel free to comment if you want.  Normally this is where I'll go off on things that I've had on my mind.  I want to hear your opinion, or at the least I hope that this causes you to think and consider your potential.  I love talking about potential.  I think we under value ourselves a lot of the time.  Reality vs. Rationalization vs. Righteousness.  Lets call this the three "R"'s.  Why do we limit ourselves?  Before you give a big long explanation as to why we limit ourselves or why others limit themselves.  This needs to be self-reflective.  It does you no good to evaluate another and never yourself.  That is a limit that you place on yourself.  I want you to answer this:  Why do you limit yourself?  In reality what factors are at play?  In reality can you actually obtain what you see?  What rationalizations do we make for doing or not doing something?  Is it the right thing to do?  Do we feel good/bad about it?

I am curious now what answers you may have.  Why do you limit yourself?  How do you limit yourself?  How can you overcome these limitations?  Pick a dream job, or a dream anything.  Write it out on a piece of paper.  Find out what steps would need to be taken to reach that anything.  Really ask yourself is this something that you can work towards?  There are people out there that are doing things that most would feel too inadequate to do.  I've met a guy here in St. George that physically can not use his legs and he's driving a car around town.  He and I'm sure with the help of others found a way to overcome limitations.  So when you choose your dream anything, go ahead a list out your "limitations" and then find ways to overcome the limitation.  Ask for help sometimes others can see ways or have experienced ways around certain limitations.  I don't know why I'm on this thing with limitations but I think we are all amazing people and capable of so much.  I love seeing people succeed and realize their potential.  This may sound selfish, but I have been hearing people tell me that I'm inspiring and so on.  I want you to inspire me.  I want you to do something that you feel to limited to do, small or great, and I want you to inspire me.  I am so glad that I have been an inspiration to others, but I need some inspiration.  This will sound super cheesy, like Mr. Rogers cheesy, but I want you to go and be awesome, because you are awesome.  Ready, Set, Go.

Me as a much cooler Mr. Rogers

Personal Concentration Camps

First off, I know that the title of this post may seem borderline inappropriate.  I have a story to share that I have learned from and there are so many great lessons to be taken from.  I want to fill you guys in on how I'm doing really quick since I have had my first treatment of chemotherapy.  I wouldn't wish it on anybody it's no fun.  It's not as bad as I thought it would be but still no fun.  If I had to compare it to something that I've experienced in life before the best example I have is wrestling.  The couple days after chemotherapy feel like I sucked a bunch of weight to make a certain weight class and just wrestled in a difficult tournament.  I was wasted physically.  Atleast, Friday I was spent on energy.  I spent the whole day sleeping and when I wasn't sleeping I was either going to the bathroom to pee or forcing myself to eat something.  I wasn't miserable like I'm sure it sounds.  I was just tired.  The side effects from chemo start kicking in little by little.  My head is itchy every now and then.  Like the inside of it.  The worst part about chemo is how much it throws off your taste buds.  I love food and I love to eat.  Now food tastes weird and I have to try and find foods that I can tolerate and that taste good.  I had a bowl of applesauce and about threw it across the room.  It tasted like we took really old pasta and blended it up.  I'm finding foods that still taste normalish though and not metalish, some foods taste metally.  Man chemo really drains your energy though.  Its a good excuse to be lazy though. Winky face.  Nina has been awesome through all this too.  She is so on top of everything it's great.  She is really bringing the pressure for me though.  She takes such good care of me now the pressure is on when she is pregnant and then I have to take care of her.  Maybe she's just being diabolical and planning ahead knowing that the more effort she puts into taking care of me I'll have to return the favor...girls are so sneaky.

I tried going into work the other day and I lasted about 40 minutes before I was completely zombified and drained of energy.  Just goes back to figuring out how to pace myself.

Ok so here is the story.  I think that it's an awesome and inspiring story and very applicable to all of us in our different circumstances, severe or not.  It is from a book Man's Search for Meaning by Dr. Viktor Frankl.  He was an Austrian neurologist, psychiatrist, and WWII concentration camp survivor.  Here is a part of the book that I liked:

"The experiences of camp life show that man does have a choice of action.  There were enough examples, often of a heroic nature, which proved that apathy could be overcome, irritability suppressed.  Man can preserve a vestige of spiritual freedom, of independence of mind, even in such terrible conditions of psychic and physical stress.
We who lived in concentration camps can remember the men who walked through the huts comforting others, giving away their last piece of bread.  They may have been few in number, but they offer sufficient proof that everything can be taken from a man but one thing:  the last of the human freedoms - to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way.
Even though conditions such as lack of sleep, insufficient food and various mental stresses may suggest that the inmates were bound to react in certain ways, in the final analysis it becomes clear that the sort of person the prisoner became was the result of an inner decision, and not the result of camp influences alone.  Fundamentally, therefore, any man can, even under such circumstances, decide what shall become of him - mentally and spiritually.  He may retain his human dignity even in a concentration camp....I became acquainted with those martyrs whose behavior in camp, whose suffering and death, bore witness to the fact that the last inner freedom cannot be lost....
The way in which a man accepts his fate and all the suffering it entails, the way in which he takes up his cross, gives him ample opportunity - even in the most difficult circumstances - to add a deeper meaning to life."

Wow.  That is powerful.  Sometimes we tend to forget the innate power that we posses given by a loving God.  We can choose.  We do not choose the consequences for actions but we can decide what action to take and what attitude to have about it.  I definitely did not choose to have cancer, but I definitely have decided to make it a great experience and to learn and grow from it.  I am personally being taught through experience something about life and I'm grateful for that opportunity.  "He may retain his human dignity even in a concentration camp."  We all go through trials and tests in life that is inevitable, but we can choose what will become of ourselves.  I hope that we all take time in life to remind ourselves that we are worth it.  We are worth being happy and we are worth enjoying little things in life.

Elder Robert D. Hales, an Apostle of Jesus Christ, said this that I liked also:

"Tests and trials are given to all of us. These mortal challenges allow us and our Heavenly Father to see whether we will exercise our agency to follow His Son. Yes, 'weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning.' Then, in the dawn of our increased faith and understanding, we arise to choose to wait upon the Lord, saying, 'Thy will be done.' Let us not give up on the Lord. His blessings are eternal."

At times life seems dark and gloom and doom etc. But morning will come. Light will disperse the darkness. I've seen this time and time again. Especially recently. Times are tuff but it's ok. It is ok. Make the decision today and learn to trust. "Doubt not, fear not."

Some good advice in the Book of Joshua in the Bible: Choose ye this day whom ye will serve.
Again there is that gift we are given to choose. Choose ye this day. How will I live my life? How will I handle this next challenge?

I can tell you my choice. I choose life. I choose to be happy. I choose to enjoy every day. Chemo or no chemo. Good day or bad day. More wise advice from an apostle of the Lord: "Come what may, and love it."

Tests, Tests, and More Tests

So I know it's been a little while, most of you are probably on the edge of your seats just dying to hear how things are going.  Right?  Anyway, so here is where we are as of...now!

The whole month of August was spent without insurance so no progress during that month.  Everything was put on hold as I mentioned before.  Our new insurance started in September so the first week of September was probably one of the busiest, craziest weeks of my life.  On Tuesday the 2nd I had surgery to have the port put in my chest.  Another early morning hospital visit and adventure.  Hospitals are kind of fun.  The staff is really friendly and fun to joke around with.  I can't believe that they trust people to be in their little waiting room by themselves with all those cool gadgets around to play with when they aren't looking.  wink wink.  I always have the urge to go streaking with those backless gowns and funny socks they give you to wear.  I was super sore after the port was put in.  It felt really weird having that in because it's now a huge bump under my skin.  It is fun to show off though.  I now consider myself more and more like Ironman.  Minus all the money and cool stuff.  The port will be super useful come chemo time but it's just strange to have in.  I'll have another gnarly scar from it though.  I'm probably too excited about all these scars.

On Friday the 5th I had the PET Scan which is a full body scan with contrast and color that is pretty cool to look at.  I went into the cancer center early early in the morning.  This time they take you in a little room with a "comfy" chair, it wasn't that comfortable, and put in an IV and they had this tin can that looked like a military canister for bullets and pulled out a shot in a fat metal casing.  Looked pretty freaky, but it has radioactive stuff that they put into the blood stream to make the cancer stand out more.  After they put the radioactive stuff in I had to sit in the tiny little room for exactly one hour relaxing allowing the stuff to spread through out my body and blood stream.  That was boring, I didn't have my phone, ipad, tv, book, nothing.  Just me and a little room for one hour.  I also had this goofy red drink that I had to sip on for the hour.  The guy said that most people say that it tastes pretty good.  Obviously he has never tried it because it was ok, but I wouldn't say that it was good.  The scan itself took about 25 minutes and I was on a long table that moved in and out of this big tube thing.  I couldn't move for 25 minutes I just had to lay back and enjoy the ride and noise of the machine.  When I was at the doctors checking out the results I got to see all the pictures those were pretty cool because you can see everything.  My whole chest and neck was covered in the cancer stuff, and I almost put my hand up to cover my junk when he scrolled down on the picture...because like I said you can see everything.

Then on Monday the 8th I had the bone marrow biopsy.  Another early morning hospital visit.  The bone marrow sucks.  I wouldn't want to do that again.  I was even sedated for it, but you still feel it kind of.  This test took forever, at least the prep did.  The actual bone marrow part took six minutes.  I had about an hour and a half of prep stuff: blood work, cleaning the area, x-ray, getting all ready etc.  I wish I had better eye sight because I couldn't wear my contacts or glasses so I can't see anything hardly but when I got in the room I was trying to look at all the tools laid out for the biopsy.  Oh! in the room that they do it there is also the x-ray thing and I, of course, was wearing the backless gown thing and I had to lay on my stomach with my butt poking up in the air.  I felt sorry for all the doctors and nurses having to stare at that sight.  I'm sure doctors get paid nice, but I saw some of the other people waiting to do the same...you couldn't pay me enough to stare at those butts all day.  So they started to sedate me and said that I would start drifting off in a minute but no drifting happened.  I was still looking around minding my own business when I felt the needle with the local anesthetic, that stung like a b.  Not a bee, but a B.  I winced at that and the doctor said oh, he's still up better give him some more whatever the sedation stuff is.  So they pumped in some more and I'm sure the looking around I was doing was more like an animal going down in slow motion.  Then I felt the metal straw thing that they tap into the bone.  Tap, Tap, Tap, I remember saying "ooo" because I could feel the tapping.  They pumped in a little bit more of the feel good stuff and then I was out.  Afterwards, I had to stay at the hospital recovering for another two hours waiting for the sedation to wear off and so they could keep an eye on how my butt was doing.  Nice thing was I got all the food I wanted so I had steak and eggs and french toast and juice.

The results from all these tests were great for us.  I'm just a stage 2 so it's only in my neck and chest, but since July the lymph nodes and cancer junk has more than doubled in size which is why my chest is sooooo tight and it's difficult to breathe deep.  There is a lot of pressure on my chest and neck.  Sleeping is difficult at night because I can't breathe like normal.  I run out of energy because I can't breathe like normal.  That part of life is tuff but very doable.  We make it work.  Just have to know how to pace yourself and take it easy.  Two things that I have never done.  I work less which is nice, gives me more time to do things that I enjoy.  I play bass guitar in a band now.  Tons of fun.  I start chemo here soon now and we will be saying goodbye to our friend Hodge.  I'm going to start with 8 treatments of chemo and then do some radiation treatments and they think they can do it with that.

You know I still get asked all the time how I'm doing.  Which is great I love that there are people that care about me.  I tell them that I'm doing great and life is good.  I'm really being honest in that.  Life is great!  I ride my motorcycle, I play bass guitar in a band, I play with my dog, I have an awesome wife, I've been having a lot of fun now that I'm working less.  I am doing things that I enjoy.  I'm more positive about life than ever.  Occasionally I still have people ask how I'm doing, I tell them great, and they look at me a little more sternly and ask "no, how are you really doing?"  I'm still doing great.

I hope if you read this that you know that I hope you enjoy life.  Take time to get away from the craziness of life and take a moment to enjoy that moment.  Just breathe and realize that life is good.  Go for a hike quit watching TV for a minute...unless you're watching a Royals or Chiefs game.  But seriously enjoy a day.  Go to the zoo, go feed a duck, skip rocks on water, just get out.  I've done that lately and I can tell you life with cancer is more enjoyable than the life I had before of working, school, and being crazy busy.  I still want to work and do school, but now I have a whole new realization that work is secondary and life comes first.

Sleepless in St. George

Well I can't sleep.  I haven't slept well at night most nights.  It's really annoying not being able to sleep.  It's boring at 3 AM.  Well I will update you on where we are at with my friend Mr. Hodge.

The month of August was a long month.  No insurance put everything on hold for a month, but we were able to get insurance again.  Luckily since we were dropped by Nina's Starbucks insurance we were able to apply for new insurance and got better insurance.  Bonus!  I've thought about how blessed we have been through this whole situation.  I can honestly say that this has been a good experience so far.  Not that cancer is a good thing but we've grown a lot through this.  I was thinking the other day about all of it and I realized that sometimes our brightest hope is in our darkest hour.  Think about that for a bit.  When that thought came to my mind I was blown away.  Sometimes our brightest hope is in our darkest hour.

So now that we have insurance we are back on track.  It's funny how the doctors were so rushed when we first found out that I had cancer that we do all the tests and get me going with chemotherapy as soon as possible and not hesitate.  Then when we found out that insurance was gone the doctors said to wait and put everything on hold.  It doesn't bother me, I just think that it's funny how that works.

I have surgery tomorrow morning.  We are putting the port in my chest.  It's like a metal button looking thing with a tube that goes into some artery that goes into my heart.  It's a permanent IV that they can easily put the chemo in and take blood out.  More cool looking scars for me.  I wish I could watch what they do during the surgery.

I have another appointment on next Monday to have bone marrow taken out of me and tested to see if the cancer has spread to the bone.  Something that was so important to do very quickly...until insurance was gone. ;)  I'm really not looking forward to that, from what I hear that's not a very fun procedure.  The doctor asked if I wanted to be sedated for it.  Uh, ya!  What kind of person doesn't want to be sedated for that.  I can't be put to sleep I have to be awake but they can at least sedate me.  Of course I want to be sedated.

I haven't been able to sleep like I said earlier.  I get too hot at night and my chest is so tight that sleeping is uncomfortable.  That's the hardest part for me so far.  The fact that my chest is super tight and that makes breathing deep a pain.  Throws sleeping off a bit.  So I try to sleep as much as I can at night, but for the past few weeks it's not more than a couple hours at a time, but that gives me more time to do other stuff right?

I started a fundly account that people can donate and help out with all our bills and stuff.  I was shocked at how many people have donated.  I can't express how grateful we are for the help.  If you ever have a fundraiser use fundly it's a cool site.  The money that is donated goes right into my bank account that we use for the bills.  I have really been impressed at how amazing people are and how they care enough about you that they want to help.

Here's a little scripture to leave you guys with that I like.
Doctrine & Covenants section 6 verses 33-37
33. Fear not to do good, my sons, for whatsoever ye sow, that shall ye also reap; therefore, if ye sow good ye shall also reap good for your reward.
34. Therefore, fear not, little flock; do good; let earth and hell combine against you, for if ye are built upon my rock, they cannot prevail.
35. Behold, I do not condemn you; go your ways and sin no more; perform with soberness the work which I have commanded you.
36. Look unto me in every thought; doubt not, fear not.
37. Behold the wounds which pierced my side, and also the prints of the nails in my hands and feet; be faithful, keep my commandments, and ye shall inherit the kingdom of heaven. Amen.

Remember whatever your are doing: do it, do good, and keep doing it.

Storms and Rockslides

So new updates on my dear friend Hodge.  Life has definitely thrown some twists our way, but we are fighters we do not back down!  I have always thought of life as an uphill (pronounced up hill not u-fill) climb sometimes the views are spectacular and the hike is awesome.  Sometimes it feels as if you are hiking against a rock slide and everything is coming down against you.  You have a few choices in situations like that.  You can allow yourself to be carried away down hill and continue from square one or you can root your steps and press on.  It may be easier to be carried down hill but the strain of pressing on carries you to new heights.  Deep and profound, I know.  (winky face).

So here is the DL of our sitch.  DL = down low.  Sitch = situation.  I'm cool I know.  Nina's insurance has dropped us so we no longer have insurance.  Nina didn't meet the required amount of hours in a quarter to keep the insurance.  Starbucks is always cutting employees off work early because they are behind on budget and don't schedule enough people on busy days.  So they are either very short staffed or way overstaffed and send people home.  So we have been scrambling trying to get assistance and get everything all worked out so that we can pay medical bills and surgeries and procedures and doctor visits.  Everything has been put on hold until we figure out what is going on.  Doctors don't like working unless they are paid.  I can't blame them for that.

My advice is either have insurance solidly or don't have it at all.  Now that I have been talking to the doctor's offices about paying cash they have lowered their prices like CRAZY.  It's cheaper paying cash for all this stuff than having insurance!  They charged insurance for the biopsy $6000 and we had to pay 20% so around $2000.  For the surgery to put the port in my chest they said if I were to pay cash it would be $500.  I'm starting to think maybe not having insurance is a good thing.  The only down side is that you have to manage it all yourself, which isn't something I want to do on top of dance around with Hodge, school, and work.  We opened a new savings account that family and friends can deposit little donations to help out and I am so impressed with how many people want to help.  You really don't realize how amazing people are.  I am forever grateful and I don't want to say that I feel obligated to return the amazing-ness of everyone, but I definitely feel much more motivated to reach out to others in need and do everything I can to help them.  This experience has put a renewed perspective on life for me.

Here is a little update on how I am feeling physically.  I am noticing that I get exhausted a lot faster than usual.  Energy just seems to get sapped from me much quicker than it usually would so it is difficult to pace myself when doing anything.  I'm used to going full speed all day everyday and now I go full speed for a little bit then crash, sit down, wait, and recover then go at it again.  I literally walk Zoey about three blocks and get tired and have to take a break.  It's so strange to me to feel this way.  I sleep terrible.  I can't get comfortable, I get hot then cold then hot then cold.  I wake up super early and have to get up and do something until I get tired again and try to get more sleep.  I still occasionally get the chest pain but not quite as frequent as two months ago when it was almost constant.  My neck isn't as sore from the biopsy but I've got a pretty gnarly scar that I'm now proud of.  What guy doesn't like battle scars?

Here is a little update on how I am feeling spiritually.  There are two events that happen in the New Testament that I've been thinking about lately.  Both involve the Savior calming the sea.  The first time you can find it in Matthew chapter 8:

23 And when he was entered into a ship, his disciples followed him.
24 And, behold, there arose a great tempest in the sea, insomuch that the ship was covered with the waves: but he was asleep.
25 And his disciples came to him, and awoke him, saying, Lord, save us: we perish.
26 And he saith unto them, Why are ye fearful, O ye of little faith? Then he arose, and rebuked the winds and the sea; and there was a great calm.
27 But the men marvelled, saying, What manner of man is this, that even the winds and the sea obey him!

So the Savior and his disciples get on a boat and while they are sailing there is a storm that is getting pretty bad and freaking everybody out.  Christ is snoozin' and they come to Him, He comes out and calms the sea.  Here is another time that He calmed the sea in Matthew chapter 14:

22 And straightway Jesus constrained his disciples to get into a ship, and to go before him unto the other side, while he sent the multitudes away.
23 And when he had sent the multitudes away, he went up into a mountain apart to pray: and when the evening was come, he was there alone.
24 But the ship was not in the midst of the sea, tossed with waves; for the wind was contrary.
25 And in the fourth watch of the night Jesus went unto them, walking on the sea.
26 And when the disciples saw him walking on the sea, they were troubled, saying, It is a spirit; and they cried out for fear.
27 But straightway Jesus spake unto them, saying, Be of good cheer; it is I; Be not afraid.
28 And Peter answered him and said, Lord, if it be thou, bid me come unto thee on the water.
29 And he said, Come.  And when Peter was come down out of the ship, he walked on the water, to go to Jesus.
30 But when he saw the wind boisterous, he was afraid; and beginning to sink, he cried, saying, Lord, save me.
31 And immediately Jesus stretched forth his hand, and caught him, and said unto him, O thou of little faith, wherefore didst thou doubt?
32 And when they were come into the ship, the wind ceased.
33 Then they that were in the ship came and worshiped him, saying, Of a truth thou art the Son of God.

Ok, so this time the Lord sends them to the ship before him after they fed the 5000 people and He goes up the mountain to pray.  The guys on the ship are running into some rough water from the wind that is picking up and the waves growing.  They see Christ walking on the water towards them and freak out a little bit, but He calls them and they recognize Him.  Peter calls out to Him and Peter walks out towards Him on the water.  Once Peter starts to notice the storm and become distracted from the Savior he sinks in the water and calls for the Lord.  Christ pulls him up immediately and they walk back to the boat.  Here is the interesting part to me and one of the significant differences in these two very similar situations.  Christ walks back with Peter to the ship in the midst of the storm and the storm doesn't cease until they reach the boat.  The Savior "calmed the storm" inside of Peter.  The winds and the waves were still going while they walked back, but Peter was comforted.

President Dieter F. Uchtdorf in a recent general conference mentioned that we should doubt our doubts before we doubt our faith.  What great advice.  Sometimes the Lord will calm the storm around us (Matt 8) and sometimes He will calm the storm inside of us in the midst of storms (Matt 14).  The storm may continue to rage but we can take comfort in the storm all the same.  In the end things work out, no worries.  Everything is going to be ok in the end, and if it's not ok then it's not the end.  Press on.

Me and my friend Hodge

So, I'm sure a lot of you have heard through the grapevine (CCR sweet band) that I have come down with this little thing called Hodgkin's Lymphoma.  Translate that and basically it is cancer in the lymphatic system.  Don't get too freaked out though apparently its super treatable and responds well to modern treatments.  That's the upside to it; the downside is that the treatment sucks.  I'm not too sure at this point what stage I'm at, it is atleast a stage II.  Which means that it is noticeably in two areas of my sexy body.  My chest and neck.  I have a few more tests to complete to have a better idea what stage Hodge is on.  There are four possible stages that Hodge could be on.  I have to get a full body scan to make sure it's not anywhere besides chest and neck, I have to have bone marrow taken out and tested to make sure it's not in the bones, I will have to get an ultrasound of my heart make sure it's health for treatment which I'm sure it is, and get a port put in my chest.  All of this here in the next two weeks.  Plus I have work and school is starting up on the 25th, what a crazy life!  Well that's the most updated info that I have for you, but here is how it all started and when I started noticing it.

During this year I have noticed that I am tired quite a bit, like physically fatigued.  Nina and I supposed that it was from the ridiculous work/school/church load that I constantly put on myself.  I work 40-50 hours a week, I go to school full time, I'm involved in church activities and callings.  Since I've come home from serving a LDS full time mission in Thailand for two years I've been assigned as an elder's quorum president.  That has literally been the only calling I've had for the last 7 years until just recently.  We figured that I was just tired from overworking myself and stress.  We didn't think much of it.

I also noticed quite a while ago that my arms and legs (around my ankles) are itchy often.  There isn't a rash or any visible sign of what would be causing them to be so dang itchy.  After a while I started thinking why won't the itchiness go away.

In June I started having some chest pain.  It wasn't my whole chest it was on the right side between some lower ribs.  It wasn't all the time pain it would come and go, but when it hit me it was a sharp stabbing pain.  I'm pretty active so I thought that I pulled a rib, or strained something working out or playing basketball.  I figured that it would heal with time and go away.  For about two weeks it wasn't really going away.  That's when I noticed a lump on my neck.

While I was shaving one day I noticed that one side at the base of my neck where the collar bone meets (the right side) was a little bulgy, and I felt it and it felt like a lump was forming.  I felt the other side to compare and sure enough that one side was different.  That's when I started thinking that something was up.  I waited a few days to see if it would go down but it didn't go away.  It didn't really keep growing there was just a bump there that wasn't going away.  So after a few days we looked up a family doctor and went in.

We went and saw Dr. Hubbard, and he felt around my chest and neck and we talked about how I was feeling.  He wanted to do some blood work and scan my chest and neck area just to be safe.  He explained that it could be a number of things from something really minor but it could also be serious so it would be best to be safe and check.  So we did and the blood work came back perfectly ok.  The CT scan though came back saying that my lymph nodes were abnormally swollen.  So because of that I was referred to an oncologist, which is a doctor more familiar with cancer stuff.  Dr. Te (oncologist) recommended that we get a biopsy done and see if it is lymphoma.  Nina was pretty freaked out, nobody likes hearing the bad news or worse case situations, but she's held up pretty well.  My attitude is lets just get this over with and let me keep on enjoying life.

From Dr. Te we went and met Dr. Meyers the biopsy guy.  He explained everything that they were gonna do and where to take the sample from.  He decided right from my neck was easiest and best.  So we scheduled an appointment to do the surgery at the hospital.  Hospitals are always fun, they charge you a ton, but at least the staff was fun and friendly.  We checked in and I changed into the bare butt gown, waited around while they did all the prep stuff, and the last thing I remember was wheeling down the halls with the anesthesia guy to the operating room.  When I woke up some nurse lady was trying to feed me ice and give me crackers to eat.  My neck was pretty sore since he had to cut through muscle and stuff to get to the lymph node.  The next couple days were nerve racking because we were just hoping that the news would come back negative for lymphoma.  But a couple days later we got a phone call from Dr. Meyers that the results came in and I had Hodgkin's Lymphoma and it was at least a stage II.  Awesome.

It doesn't really matter how much you brace yourself for the worst news possible when you hear it, it isn't necessarily devastating, it's just disappointing.  Mostly the disappointment is the fact that you know where things go from that point.  It's not bad but it's not going to be good.  You know from the start that the road ahead is bumpy and it's going to take effort to continue.

That's brings us up to where I am now.  Few more tests to go just to make sure that it's not further than stage II.  And months of chemo/radiation ahead of me.  It's do-able.  There are lots of people that I will probably meet in the future now that will go through similar things.  I know that I will be able to help them just like others have stepped into my life to help me.  I'm not just beating this cancer thing for myself, but I'm doing it because I love my family, I love my friends, and I know that this experience will turn out to be a good thing for a lot of people.  It will be an opportunity for a lot of people to grow, to come together, and to look back on and just be another one of those stories that we laugh at every time we tell it sitting around a table.