Facing the Demons of Depression

Don't worry I'm not depressed, nor do I plan on being depressed.  I haven't written and updated for a while I've just been busy...aka...I've been lazy.  I apologize.  Well lets see here what did I talk about last time?  Smoking your fears and then love what comes.  Now lets continue on this wonderful journey of chemotherapy!

I threw up for the first time because of the chemo.  That was exciting.  Not really.  This last time at the doctors office while I was all plugged in and the chemo was doing its thing and I was minding my own business playing clash of clans on my iPad, then nausea hit me hard.  I felt nauseous all morning I think from dreading the upcoming chemo treatment.  It's not like its a fun thing to look forward to.  I felt it coming and had to get up and roll my IV stand to the bathroom and let the nausea get the best of me.  It was bound to happen sooner or later I'm sure.  The chemo is getting more and more difficult.  Your body can physically only take so much and doing this every other week is pretty tuff.  I thought red flag days were bad.  (Red flag days were the days that my wrestling coach put a red flag on the wrestling room door before practice...those were the practices that made you want to die.)

I faced a demon recently.  Its known best by: Depression.  Here's the story.  So like I said chemo has been getting pretty difficult and really taking a toll on me physically.  Only for a few days after chemo, then I'm back to my normal self.  Anyway, I was having trouble sleeping I think it was last Friday night.  I couldn't sleep at all.  So at 3 AM I decide to sleep in the living room so I don't wake Nina up with my tossing and turning.  As I laid there with just my thoughts I realized that this whole chemo thing sucks.  It's really not that much fun.  I didn't want to do it anymore.  I was at a crossroad.  I had a decision to make.  I think you know what choice I made based on who I am.  I could either be depressed and lose hope, or I could continue to fight.  I choose not to be depressed.  I control myself.  I won't let depression or addiction or anyone or anything control me.  I, and so do you, have this inherent ability within myself/yourself to choose.  I, and so do you, have this inherent power within myself/yourself to act on what I choose.  Could I be depressed?  Oh yeah, that would be so easy to slip into, but it is very difficult to get out.  How easy is it to slide down a hill covered in snow/ice?  Pretty easy.  How easy is it to climb up a hill covered in snow/ice?  Not quite as easy is it?  So what do we do to avoid depression?  How do we get out of depression?  Is it really hopeless?  Is there no way out?

First off its not hopeless.  There is always hope and you know that.  Deep down you always know there is hope.  If you are depressed, hope is a scary thing to face so it seems.  Guess what?  There is a flip side to that.  If you are hopeful, depression is a scary thing to face too.  In life, everything has its opposite.  Even science proves that look at Newtons laws.  For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction right?  Apply that principle of physics to you and your life.  Just know that there is always hope and you can do what you need to do to be happy.  I know that depression is viewed in a variety of different ways.  Can you ever really eliminate depression?  No probably not.  Can you suppress it or like cancer can depression be in remission?  I think so.  That's like saying can you really eliminate happiness?  No, I don't think so.

So here is how I have faced the demon and chose to step past it.

1. Count your blessings.
Sounds cheesy I know, but there is some truth in the cheesiness.  Really look at what you have, take an inventory of what makes you happy around you whatever it is.  You need to see and realize that there are good things around you even in the worst of situations.  Remember the story I shared from a man who was in concentration camps in WWII?  Even he found that people could find happiness in their situation.  I'm pretty sure that we can.  Find and recognize the good.

2.  Have a powerful talk with yourself and ask yourself some questions.
Yup.  Talk to yourself...like a crazy person.  Ok not like a crazy person, but do talk to yourself or have a friend/family listen and help.  Ask yourself:  Is this what I want?  Do you want to be depressed?  Do you want to be happy?  What do you want?  How can I obtain what I want?  Any self evaluating questions you feel you need to ask yourself.  I think by having a powerful talk with yourself you find your feet and you can ground yourself and feel confident that this is something that you can handle and manage.  You need to keep yourself from being overwhelmed.

3.  Take control of your situation and set some goals.
Get grounded and then grab the bull by the horns.  When you realize what you have #1 and you know what you want #2 then you need to put them together and make some plans.  See where you're at and see where you want to be then map it out.  You don't have to go through life in the dark.  By making plans you can have a better handle on the journey.  Of course there are going to be bumps in the road and detours will be taken, but you will have what you need for the journey.  You control the situation the situation does not control you.  Unless you let it...but that's up to you.

4.  Pray.
Ok I know that not everyone does this or believes in God, but you need to do something that is special to you.  Whether its prayer, meditate, chant, you can even dance around I don't know.  I like to pray and meditate.  Whether its seeking divine help or simply clearing your mind and being at peace, you need to feel some sort of serenity and comfort in life.  You need to find your self and feel ok about that.  You need to feel ok about everything.  In a previous post I used the example of the Savior calming the sea in two different situations.  You need the calm in the midst of the storm.  Help is there if you want it.

5.  Make commitments.
These are like goals, but I think of them as being more committed and serious.  You need to commit to improving something.  Keep them simple at first.  Things that you know you can accomplish, celebrate, and feel the success that you can have.  A commitment is saying "I will..." and actually doing it.  Commitment helps with determination.  You need to be determined and committed to yourself and your happiness.

6.  Do it to it!
Ok now get back to doing what truly makes you happy.  Get back to enjoying life.  Stay active, stay busy, stay happy.  You may not be where you want to be but you are heading in the right direction.  You are moving towards what you want and that should make you happy.

Well my friends, I hope this post isn't too much.  I want you to know that I'm happy and I'm satisfied with life.  Life is good.  I'm excited for the holidays.  I'm happy with what I have in life and I'm working hard for bigger and better things.  

What were you smoking up there?....Fear...

This last bout of chemo was a killer.  I've had a total of three rounds of chemo so far and have another coming up this Wednesday.  If there was a round count I would say 2-1 so far.  This last round wasn't unbearable, but it wasn't much fun.  The nausea was the worst of it.  Just that feeling of I could puke if I wanted to, but I don't want to so I won't.  I had that feeling for about four days straight.  Don't worry my friends I came out ok.  No pukage...ok enough about that.

I had a fun time with family recently.  Before round three my Uncle Leo, Aunt Teresa, and two of my cousins Ganae and Jeshua.  The Osorios what a quirky family, I love those guys.  It's nice to have fun with family.  We did a lot of hiking, food, and games.  It was such a nice get-away for me from the mundane norm of school, work, and chemo.  On our first hike I learned a great lesson from my Uncle Leo in Snow Canyon State Park.  We were exploring around the red rocks and he has a fear of heights.  That crazy Colombian was all over those mountains, ever seen an ant hill get knocked over and ants go crazy?  Yeah it was like that but a one man ant frenzy.  He picked out the highest points and like a bat out of hell scrambled up the rocks to reach the top never really looking down until it was too late and he was on top of his little world of fear at the point of the mountain.  His wife at one point called up to him "what were you smoking up there?" and he quickly answered back "fear."  That's right, fear.  How awesome is that.  Is there something that you fear?  Well put it in your pipe and smoke it!  Another Colombian lesson I learned was that lemons fix everything.  Apparently lemons are the elixir of life.  He told us at dinner about how lemons heal anything and are so good for you.  After everyone squeezed their lemons in their water he ate the lemon slices rind and all.  The weird part was that I think he swallowed them whole.  He popped the whole thing in and only chewed three times and swallowed.  I don't know about you but I can't chew lemon rind in three chews.  He told us, true story, that he had an eye infection or something like that and solved that problem by literally squeezing a lemon in his eye like eye drops and ran around like a possessed man and problem solved.  Lemons saved the day.  We also went to the hotel that I work at and they were staying at, we played games and watched the BYU football game.  Just a good time.

Family is so important, no matter how disfunctional it still serves a purpose and a function.  I like that I married into a family who's family motto is this "We may not have it all together, but together we have it all."  I like that a lot.  President Gordon B. Hinckley said "Life is to be enjoyed, not endured."  I think I've used this quote as well by Elder Joseph B Wirthlin, "Come what may and love it."

http://youtu.be/tVNYhcYEwIE

I remember watching this General Conference of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints and this was a great talk given by an Apostle of the Lord Jesus Christ.  What a wonderful message.  Difficult times come to all of us in many different forms.  We can learn to find happiness in all things.  That is one of the things that I love about being a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.  The things we can come to know and the relationship you build with your Father in Heaven and His son Jesus Christ are essential necessities in life if you want your life to be easier than it has to be.  Life can be difficult, but it was never meant to be faced alone.  Remember that, you never have to face anything alone.  I don't care what it is.  I have come to realize that I have never been alone and neither have you.  There is always someone there worrying about you, praying for you, thinking about you.

Thanks to everyone who has been supporting me and helping me as I overcome my trial in life.  Cancer is never fun.   Chemo is definitely not very fun.  But this has come to be one of the best experiences of my life.  If you ever need someone to talk to or just to hear you out with difficulty that you're having, hit me up.  That is one thing that I've decided to do for the rest of my life.  I am here for you.  I have lots of people that have been there for me.  Just so you know if you need anything (besides money I don't have any of that haha) come on over and I'll hear you out.  Thanks everyone again for all that you've done helping us out.  It really means a lot, a day doesn't go by that I don't express my gratitude in prayer for all the help and support we recieve from friends, family, and even strangers.

Remember the Crazy Colombian Uncle Leo, when it comes to fear, climb the highest scariest mountain put it in your pipe and smoke it.

The Young and the Restless, Days of My Life, as the Bald and the Beautiful

Round 2 is down and over with!  Round 3 is coming up this Wednesday.  So my beautiful hair held on for as long as they could.  Those tough little hair follicles just couldn't withstand the chemo.  It started last Sunday that I noticed that when I woke up in the morning that my pillow had an unusual amount of hair on it.  It wasn't Zoey's hair (our dog), but long curly black hairs...mine...from my head.  This of course struck some fear within myself.  It is always a difficult time in a man's life when he begins to lose his mane.  At times when you have a full head of hair you feel invincible like Sampson.  Just arm me with a jawbone for a weapon and I can take over the world.  However, when you lose the hair it feels like you are losing power over life.  Unfortunately we are not like chia pets and just add water and it magically grows.  Actually the opposite happens, when I took a shower I would have a hand full of hair.  Not like giant clumps just lots of single strands.  I promised the young men in our ward that I serve with that when my hair started falling out that they could shave my head.  We did it on Tuesday night.  So I went all day Monday shedding like a dog.  I could feel hair falling out little by little.  When Tuesday came we got some pizza and then went to town on buzzing everything off.  As careful as those boys were with not pulling my hair when buzzing it...they should probably look to other career paths besides barber.  They were not gentle, but it was fun.

This time around (round 2) wasn't as bad as the first round of chemo.  I definitely was fatigued and super tired.  Food tasted awful.  Water tasted like metal.  All in all we knew what to expect minus the hair loss.  While getting chemo we had a lot more people getting chemo the same time as us so the room of comfy recliners was full of husbands getting pumped with chemo and wives supporting them.  Funny thing is that all of us had lymphoma of some sort.  I was the youngest out of everyone.  Its funny how people think that all cancer patients are weak, miserable, and in pain.  All of us in the room were joking and talking about life and hiking and stuff.  People don't even realize that I have cancer unless I tell them.  Here's an example, I was at work and I was helping a lady with some computer stuff in our business room.  I had my head shaved, and she asked if I was in the military because of the short buzz and she said I had a look like I had it all together...whatever that means.  I told her no and we were talking and came out that I had cancer which is why I had no hair.  Her whole demeanor changed when she heard that even though we were joking and laughing just before that.  I'm not upset or frustrated at all with out she treated me right after that I think it's funny.  She immediately talked as if I was on the floor injured and was three years old.  "Oh my gosh! I'm so sorry, are you ok? Can I do anything for you?"  I laughed and said that she could buy me lunch.  Winky face.  We laughed it off.  She never did buy me lunch though...

I had a friend say that she knew how I felt regarding people treating you different.  She knew that she didn't mean with the cancer, but she compared it to pregnancy.  I agree.  It's like people are trying to help you walk across a bed of nails even though you can walk normal without assistance.  Its ok though best just to have fun with it.  Another way cancer people are like prego people, no sushi...NOOOOOO!!!!  I've been bummed about that one...no sushi.  What a sad story.  To all the ladies in the world, I have a new found respect for you.  Especially all you crazy pregnant ladies of the world.  You are all a bunch of rockstars in my mind.  Super moms.

I love hearing people tell me that I look great and that I can do it.  It's unfortunate that I had to be diagnosed with cancer before I could have people tell me that I look great.  I must have been hideous before.  Also I get this a lot, "you can do it we are all pulling for you."  Before this is probably what I've been told my whole life, "Lawrence, are you sure about that?"  "I'm not too sure about that Lawrence, be careful."

Oh! Another interesting thing while we were at the doctors this last time we looked at my blood lab results for all the blood count and stuff.  Before we did the first treatment my white blood cell count level was a 9.8 which is a little above normal apparently...I don't know I'm no doctor I just trust what they tell me.  Before the second treatment it dropped down to 2.7, which is pretty low.  I have to be careful not to get sick, I've considered living in a portable bubble and becoming a real life bubble boy.  Could be fun right?  It would be like when I wore an inflatable sumo suit to go bowling.

Ok I have a question for all of you feel free to comment if you want.  Normally this is where I'll go off on things that I've had on my mind.  I want to hear your opinion, or at the least I hope that this causes you to think and consider your potential.  I love talking about potential.  I think we under value ourselves a lot of the time.  Reality vs. Rationalization vs. Righteousness.  Lets call this the three "R"'s.  Why do we limit ourselves?  Before you give a big long explanation as to why we limit ourselves or why others limit themselves.  This needs to be self-reflective.  It does you no good to evaluate another and never yourself.  That is a limit that you place on yourself.  I want you to answer this:  Why do you limit yourself?  In reality what factors are at play?  In reality can you actually obtain what you see?  What rationalizations do we make for doing or not doing something?  Is it the right thing to do?  Do we feel good/bad about it?

I am curious now what answers you may have.  Why do you limit yourself?  How do you limit yourself?  How can you overcome these limitations?  Pick a dream job, or a dream anything.  Write it out on a piece of paper.  Find out what steps would need to be taken to reach that anything.  Really ask yourself is this something that you can work towards?  There are people out there that are doing things that most would feel too inadequate to do.  I've met a guy here in St. George that physically can not use his legs and he's driving a car around town.  He and I'm sure with the help of others found a way to overcome limitations.  So when you choose your dream anything, go ahead a list out your "limitations" and then find ways to overcome the limitation.  Ask for help sometimes others can see ways or have experienced ways around certain limitations.  I don't know why I'm on this thing with limitations but I think we are all amazing people and capable of so much.  I love seeing people succeed and realize their potential.  This may sound selfish, but I have been hearing people tell me that I'm inspiring and so on.  I want you to inspire me.  I want you to do something that you feel to limited to do, small or great, and I want you to inspire me.  I am so glad that I have been an inspiration to others, but I need some inspiration.  This will sound super cheesy, like Mr. Rogers cheesy, but I want you to go and be awesome, because you are awesome.  Ready, Set, Go.

Me as a much cooler Mr. Rogers