I Find Peace in The Garden

I am so happy today.  I am finishing my radiation treatments this week.  What a journey this has been.  At times it seems that it is easy, but to be quite honest this has been one of the most difficult challenges that I have ever faced.  I try to be honest describing how I feel but most times I screen what I reveal because I want to be a "tuff guy" and I want others to see my journey as inspirational because I want others to gain from my pain.  I am not saying that I desire to be placed on a pedestal but I truly love seeing others succeed and overcoming obstacles in life.  I want to share something with you.  I want to share something very personal with you so that you know that I am not as strong as I may seem.  I have seen the bottom of the barrel and I did not pick myself up alone.  I have had help along the way.  I love the gospel of Jesus Christ and I have found a lot of peace and joy coming to know who He is and what He does for us in anytime of our life.  I have learned a lot through this journey of fighting cancer.  I never really saw it as a fight for life, but what I needed to do.  I did have one moment back when this all began where I did question why I had to go through this.  I hope that you read this with an open heart and really try to feel the message.  Listen to the thoughts that come to your mind, feel the feelings that enter your heart, and ask what does this mean for me, my family, my friends, etc.?

In August I was in bed trying to sleep and I could not because of the pain in my chest.  Since being diagnosed in June/July I had never raised question to why I had to go through this.  I accepted the cancer and knew that everything was going to be ok, but I felt so alone.  I felt so isolated from everything.  I felt overwhelmed and the question "why?" was now all that I could ask God.  Why am I in pain?  Why can't I sleep?  Why do I have no energy?  Why am I sick? etc.  It was at this time that I finally pleaded with God wanting to know why me.  I am a good person, I do what I am supposed to do, I don't deserve this.

Sometimes we must be sufficiently humbled before receiving personal glorious messages of truth.  I learned something about how the Lord works with us:  the Lord must take the precious ore that we are and refine us in order to make a beautiful gem of God.  If you know anything about how ore is refined to become what they have the potential to become then you can see how we can compare.

I have come to a better understanding of the Atonement of Jesus Christ and His suffering in the Garden of Gethsemane because I have taken time to personally study it out in the scriptures and the words of modern prophets and apostles.  By doing this I familiarized myself with the life of Jesus Christ and opened the gate for truth to be confirmed to me by the Holy Ghost.

I know that God loves His children and He is the same yesterday, today, and forever.  He speaks to His children, He helps/delivers them from bondage.  He eases burdens that they may seem light.  In times of need He will rescue and reach out with His arm of mercy.

The Atonement of Jesus Christ is not simply for those who stand in need of repentance but to all in every and any situation they are in.  When we learn to rely on Him and His atoning sacrifice we come to the realization that Jesus is "The Christ", Jesus is the anointed one that met the requirements for the sacrifice and price that we may be free and enabled to continue in our personal progression in this life and in eternity.  He truly is a Savior and Redeemer.

We learn from the scriptures about the life of Christ the Anointed One.  We learn of His at-one-ment with God the Father and the children of God.  We are children of God becoming familiar with Him you place yourself on a revelatory path if you apply the principles found in the doctrines of the Saviors example.  By abiding in Him you will be shown and be permitted to see what He sees in you and all the children of Him.  As you open your heart and mind, He will open your eyes.

I testify that Jesus is the Anointed One, Jesus is the Christ, Jesus is our Savior and Redeemer.  The Atonement is real and when righteous desires are exercised through faith in Jesus Christ we become more like Him.

Here is what I have learned about what happened in the Garden of Gethsemane as Jesus Christ prayed for us through the scriptures and testimonies of modern prophets and apostles:

Matthew 26: 36-46

36 ¶Then cometh Jesus with them unto a place called Gethsemane, and saith unto the disciples, Sit ye here, while I go and pray yonder.

37 And he took with him Peter and the two sons of Zebedee, and began to be sorrowful and very heavy.

38 Then saith he unto them, My soul is exceeding sorrowful, even unto death: tarry ye here, and watch with me.

39 And he went a little further, and fell on his face, and prayed, saying, O my Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me: nevertheless not as I will, but as thou wilt.

40 And he cometh unto the disciples, and findeth them asleep, and saith unto Peter, What, could ye not watch with me one hour?

41 Watch and pray, that ye enter not into temptation: the spirit indeed is willing, but the flesh is weak.

42 He went away again the second time, and prayed, saying, O my Father, if this cup may not pass away from me, except I drink it, thy will be done.

43 And he came and found them asleep again: for their eyes were heavy.

44 And he left them, and went away again, and prayed the third time, saying the same words.

45 Then cometh he to his disciples, and saith unto them, Sleep on now, and take your rest: behold, the hour is at hand, and the Son of man is betrayed into the hands of sinners.

46 Rise, let us be going: behold, he is at hand that doth betray me

Why Gethsemane?  Why not up on a mountain?  Think about the symbolism of Gethsemane as the oil press.

"Jesus came to the base of the Mount of Olives to effect the first component of the Atonement. This He did at the Garden of Gethsemane. The word Gethsemane comes from two Hebrew roots: gath, meaning “press,” and shemen, meaning “oil,” especially that of the olive.

There olives had been pressed under the weight of great stone wheels to squeeze precious oil from the olives. So the Christ in the Garden of Gethsemane was literally pressed under the weight of the sins of the world. He sweated great drops of blood—his life’s “oil”—which issued from every pore. (See Luke 22:44; D&C 19:18.)

Jesus was accorded titles of unique significance. One was the Messiah, which in Hebrew means “anointed.” The other was the Christ, which in the Greek language means “anointed” as well. In our day, as it was in His day, the ordinance of administration to the sick includes anointing with the consecrated oil of the olive. So the next time you witness consecrated oil being anointed on the head of one to be blessed, and these sacred words are said, “I anoint you with this consecrated oil,” remember what that original consecration cost. Remember what it meant to all who had ever lived and who ever would yet live. Remember the redemptive power of healing, soothing, and ministering to those in need. Remember, just as the body of the olive, which was pressed for the oil that gave light, so the Savior was pressed. From every pore oozed the lifeblood of our Redeemer. Throughout the joyous days of your mission, when your cup of gladness runs over, remember His cup of bitterness which made it possible. And when sore trials come upon you, remember Gethsemane." Elder Russell M. Nelson

If Peter, James, and John were the only ones in Gethsemane with Christ...why was it Matthew, Mark, and Luke that write about the account?  Gethsemane is a personal experience that comes to us by revelation.

Also notice that it is not His will to suffer, but it is His desire to do the Father's will.

Mark 14: 32-38

32 And they came to a place which was named Gethsemane: and he saith to his disciples, Sit ye here, while I shall pray.

33 And he taketh with him Peter and James and John, and began to be sore amazed, and to be very heavy;

34 And saith unto them, My soul is exceeding sorrowful unto death: tarry ye here, and watch.

35 And he went forward a little, and fell on the ground, and prayed that, if it were possible, the hour might pass from him.

36 And he said, Abba, Father, all things are possible unto thee; take away this cup from me: nevertheless not what I will, but what thou wilt.

37 And he cometh, and findeth them sleeping, and saith unto Peter, Simon, sleepest thou? couldest not thou watch one hour?

38 Watch ye and pray, lest ye enter into temptation. The spirit truly is ready, but the flesh is weak.

Think of the symbolism of a garden:

A place of growth

A place of life giving fruit

A place where weeds are to be overcome and removed

A place of where effort and toil is required to obtain with patience and endurance

In verse 35 why does He fall to the ground?

This was clearly a very real test.  Christ had all the weakness of a mortal body and He was truly suffering physical, emotional, and spiritual anguish.  His immortality was only serving to allow Him to suffer completely without the relief of death.  His godliness did not prevent His suffering.

In verse 36 why "Abba"? 

Abba is an intimate form of the word Father.  Think of it like 'dad or daddy'.  This was a very intimate moment between a son and his dad.  Christ desires to be one with his dad, but hopes that there is another way.  Once again not his will, but his desire to do the father's will.

Luke 22: 39-46

39 ¶And he came out, and went, as he was wont, to the mount of Olives; and his disciples also followed him.

40 And when he was at the place, he said unto them, Pray that ye enter not into temptation.

41 And he was withdrawn from them about a stone’s cast, and kneeled down, and prayed,

42 Saying, Father, if thou be willing, remove this cup from me: nevertheless not my will, but thine, be done.

43 And there appeared an angel unto him from heaven, strengthening him.

44 And being in an agony he prayed more earnestly: and his sweat was as it were great drops of blood falling down to the ground.

45 And when he rose up from prayer, and was come to his disciples, he found them sleeping for sorrow,

46 And said unto them, Why sleep ye? rise and pray, lest ye enter into temptation.

Again not his will to suffer, but his desire to do the Father's.

Take a look at verse 43.  Who was the angel?  What if it were you?  What would you say?  How would you feel at this moment?  Where were you at this moment?  Do you think that we were allowed to witness this as children of God before we were born?

Elder Bruce R. McConkie indicated that the angel was Michael or Adam.

Why Michael?  What could Michael have said or done to strengthen Christ?  Would he have pointed out that there was no other way?

Isaiah 53: 4-5, 10

4 ¶Surely he hath borne our griefs, and carried our sorrows: yet we did esteem him stricken, smitten of God, and afflicted.

5 But he was wounded for our transgressions, he was bruised for our iniquities: the chastisement of our peace was upon him; and with his stripes we are healed.

10 ¶Yet it pleased the Lord to bruise him; he hath put him to grief: when thou shalt make his soul an offering for sin, he shall see his seed, he shall prolong his days, and the pleasure of the Lord shall prosper in his hand.

Notice what did Christ see while offering His soul for sin in verse 10?  "He shall see his seed."

Mosiah 15: 10-12

10 And now I say unto you, who shall declare his generation? Behold, I say unto you, that when his soul has been made an offering for sin he shall see his seed. And now what say ye? And who shall be his seed?

11 Behold I say unto you, that whosoever has heard the words of the prophets, yea, all the holy prophets who have prophesied concerning the coming of the Lord—I say unto you, that all those who have hearkened unto their words, and believed that the Lord would redeem his people, and have looked forward to that day for a remission of their sins, I say unto you, that these are his seed, or they are the heirs of the kingdom of God.

12 For these are they whose sins he has borne; these are they for whom he has died, to redeem them from their transgressions. And now, are they not his seed?

Who are Christ's seed?

It is all who have believed in Him and His atoning sacrifice.

Did Michael show Christ his seed?  If so, what might Christ have seen in our faces?  Would we have given Him strength to endure and go through with the atoning sacrifice, knowing that there was no other way?

"The prophet Abinadi further states that “when his soul has been made an offering for sin he shall see his seed” (Mosiah 15:10). Abinadi then identifies the Savior’s seed as the prophets and those who follow them. For many years I thought of the Savior’s experience in the garden and on the cross as places where a large mass of sin was heaped upon Him. Through the words of Alma, Abinadi, Isaiah, and other prophets, however, my view has changed. Instead of an impersonal mass of sin, there was a long line of people, as Jesus felt “our infirmities” (Heb. 4:15), “[bore] our griefs, … carried our sorrows … [and] was bruised for our iniquities” (Isa. 53:4–5).

The Atonement was an intimate, personal experience in which Jesus came to know how to help each of us.

The Pearl of Great Price teaches that Moses was shown all the inhabitants of the earth, which were “numberless as the sand upon the sea shore” (Moses 1:28). If Moses beheld every soul, then it seems reasonable that the Creator of the universe has the power to become intimately acquainted with each of us. He learned about your weaknesses and mine. He experienced your pains and sufferings. He experienced mine. I testify that He knows us. He understands the way in which we deal with temptations. He knows our weaknesses. But more than that, more than just knowing us, He knows how to help us if we come to Him in faith." Merrill J. Bateman

Alma 7: 11-13

11 And he shall go forth, suffering pains and afflictions and temptations of every kind; and this that the word might be fulfilled which saith he will take upon him the pains and the sicknesses of his people.

12 And he will take upon him death, that he may loose the bands of death which bind his people; and he will take upon him their infirmities, that his bowels may be filled with mercy, according to the flesh, that he may know according to the flesh how to succor his people according to their infirmities.

13 Now the Spirit knoweth all things; nevertheless the Son of God suffereth according to the flesh that he might take upon him the sins of his people, that he might blot out their transgressions according to the power of his deliverance; and now behold, this is the testimony which is in me.

So in verse 13 could Christ have simply understood these things by the Spirit?  Why did He choose to suffer according to the flesh?  Did He feel physically what it was like to break a bone?  Lose an eye?  Lose a loved one in death?  Have family separated by divorce? etc.  How did He prevent these feelings from causing Him to become bitter?

He partook from "the bitter cup" without becoming bitter.  How did He do that?

Also notice that Christ suffered not only for our sins, but for our pains and afflictions.  Why?  Did these require an atoning sacrifice?

The Atonement had to completely cover all the negative effects of the fall of Adam and Eve and that in order to be one with us, He had to experience for himself, according to the flesh, what it felt like to experience every and any weakness and frailty of mortality.

I believe that when the Savior was suffering in the Garden of Gethsemane and he was being strengthened by the angel.  He saw us.  We were there and He saw our faith in Him.  He saw the gratitude and love that we had for Him and what He was doing for us.  I see Him meeting with each of us collectively and individually and gaining strength through us as we gain strength through Him.  He turns to us and says in reference to what He was doing, "Not for me, but for you."  Then He turns to the Father and says what we read in the scriptures, "Not my will, but Thine be done."

I don't always mean to get all religious and churchy on you guys that read my blog.  But truth is truth and the truth is that I have struggled immensely through this fight with cancer.  I have tried to make the most of it.  This is how I have done it.  This is why I continue to do it.  I learned something from this fight with cancer.

Sometimes our brightest hope comes in our darkest hour.

Chemotherapy: Conquered. A Thing of the Past

I have been meaning to write for quite some time now.  I'm sorry.  I finished my chemotherapy treatments!!!  Yes you read that correctly I am done with chemo!  Finally.  Boy, I tell you what chemo is not a walk in the park, nor is it very much fun.  Even today a month after being finished with it when I think about chemo it makes me sick to my stomach.  I'm glad that I finished it early.  Technically I should be finishing my chemo treatments this month.  Apparently I'm a "special case" in that the doctors have been discussing me and my progress with the Utah tumor board of doctors, and the radiation oncologist has been meeting with his board of doctors about my radiation.  Since the cancer was so bulky and such a big mass they've discussed how to treat it.  I'm just the guinea pig so I go with it and joke around with the nurses.  While we were meeting with the doctor he was showing us the PET Scan from September before I started my treatments to talk about where we were going to blast my chest with radiation.  Here it is:

Ok so this is a PET Scan.  Its the scan that they did where they gave me a shot of some radioactive junk that makes all the cancer cells light up.  So to give you an idea of my cancer take a look at the scan and all the super bright area in my chest and the sides of my neck...cancer.  Basically he said its like the size of a mini basketball.  Pretty crazy huh?

Radiation preparation was really weird.  If you wanted to know what it feels like to be abducted and experimented on by aliens I imagine radiation preparation is what it would be like.  Here is what we did.  They took led me to this room with a huge CT scan machine I laid on the long table bed thing I had to take my shirt off and they have this flat hard plastic mesh mold that they put on you that forms to your body.  Its weird because its a  hard plastic but they have it soak in hot water to soften it up so they can push it against your body and form it.  It was super hot for a second when they first push it on and bolt it down.  It feels like trying to push your hand through under armour or something.  It stretches and mold to your body shape.  They cool it quickly with wet towels and push all over to get an exact fit.  There were around 4 people in the room working on it so I had a ton of hands with wet towels pushing and poking me and the mold.  I could see anything through the mold so I was left to listening to guess what was going on.  Since you are bolted down and can't see it feels a little claustrophobic.  Here's one thing that drive me nuts about nurses and doctors.  They kept asking me questions while the plastic was drying, but when I'd try to answer they'd tell me not to move or talk.  How am I supposed to answer questions then?  I couldn't move and they were scooting me around to get me in the right position.  They even put two little tatooes on my stomach.  They are super tiny little dots like a freckle, but I can now say that I have two tatooes.  Then they ran a bunch of simulations and I just laid there in my claustrophobic mold bolted down while the machine was making noises all over the place and the table moved back and forth.  This is what the mold thing looks like, I googled it.  I'll get some actual pictures of the whole thing and put them up later.

Treatment wise that's where I'm at.  So far so good.  Life is getting back to normal which means I'm insanely crazy busy again.  Just what I said I wouldn't let happen.  Work, school, treatments, church, etc.  Just busy busy busy.  At least we have still found time for some fun stuff.  We have done some pretty cool hikes lately which I love doing.  Nature is the best place to be, especially when you get far enough out that you can't hear a single car or plane or anything.  Just the wind, the animals, the rocks, etc.  I love being out there where you can enjoy what is around you.  We pack a lunch, take the camera, and take Zoey and its great being out there.

Facing the Demons of Depression

Don't worry I'm not depressed, nor do I plan on being depressed.  I haven't written and updated for a while I've just been busy...aka...I've been lazy.  I apologize.  Well lets see here what did I talk about last time?  Smoking your fears and then love what comes.  Now lets continue on this wonderful journey of chemotherapy!

I threw up for the first time because of the chemo.  That was exciting.  Not really.  This last time at the doctors office while I was all plugged in and the chemo was doing its thing and I was minding my own business playing clash of clans on my iPad, then nausea hit me hard.  I felt nauseous all morning I think from dreading the upcoming chemo treatment.  It's not like its a fun thing to look forward to.  I felt it coming and had to get up and roll my IV stand to the bathroom and let the nausea get the best of me.  It was bound to happen sooner or later I'm sure.  The chemo is getting more and more difficult.  Your body can physically only take so much and doing this every other week is pretty tuff.  I thought red flag days were bad.  (Red flag days were the days that my wrestling coach put a red flag on the wrestling room door before practice...those were the practices that made you want to die.)

I faced a demon recently.  Its known best by: Depression.  Here's the story.  So like I said chemo has been getting pretty difficult and really taking a toll on me physically.  Only for a few days after chemo, then I'm back to my normal self.  Anyway, I was having trouble sleeping I think it was last Friday night.  I couldn't sleep at all.  So at 3 AM I decide to sleep in the living room so I don't wake Nina up with my tossing and turning.  As I laid there with just my thoughts I realized that this whole chemo thing sucks.  It's really not that much fun.  I didn't want to do it anymore.  I was at a crossroad.  I had a decision to make.  I think you know what choice I made based on who I am.  I could either be depressed and lose hope, or I could continue to fight.  I choose not to be depressed.  I control myself.  I won't let depression or addiction or anyone or anything control me.  I, and so do you, have this inherent ability within myself/yourself to choose.  I, and so do you, have this inherent power within myself/yourself to act on what I choose.  Could I be depressed?  Oh yeah, that would be so easy to slip into, but it is very difficult to get out.  How easy is it to slide down a hill covered in snow/ice?  Pretty easy.  How easy is it to climb up a hill covered in snow/ice?  Not quite as easy is it?  So what do we do to avoid depression?  How do we get out of depression?  Is it really hopeless?  Is there no way out?

First off its not hopeless.  There is always hope and you know that.  Deep down you always know there is hope.  If you are depressed, hope is a scary thing to face so it seems.  Guess what?  There is a flip side to that.  If you are hopeful, depression is a scary thing to face too.  In life, everything has its opposite.  Even science proves that look at Newtons laws.  For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction right?  Apply that principle of physics to you and your life.  Just know that there is always hope and you can do what you need to do to be happy.  I know that depression is viewed in a variety of different ways.  Can you ever really eliminate depression?  No probably not.  Can you suppress it or like cancer can depression be in remission?  I think so.  That's like saying can you really eliminate happiness?  No, I don't think so.

So here is how I have faced the demon and chose to step past it.

1. Count your blessings.
Sounds cheesy I know, but there is some truth in the cheesiness.  Really look at what you have, take an inventory of what makes you happy around you whatever it is.  You need to see and realize that there are good things around you even in the worst of situations.  Remember the story I shared from a man who was in concentration camps in WWII?  Even he found that people could find happiness in their situation.  I'm pretty sure that we can.  Find and recognize the good.

2.  Have a powerful talk with yourself and ask yourself some questions.
Yup.  Talk to yourself...like a crazy person.  Ok not like a crazy person, but do talk to yourself or have a friend/family listen and help.  Ask yourself:  Is this what I want?  Do you want to be depressed?  Do you want to be happy?  What do you want?  How can I obtain what I want?  Any self evaluating questions you feel you need to ask yourself.  I think by having a powerful talk with yourself you find your feet and you can ground yourself and feel confident that this is something that you can handle and manage.  You need to keep yourself from being overwhelmed.

3.  Take control of your situation and set some goals.
Get grounded and then grab the bull by the horns.  When you realize what you have #1 and you know what you want #2 then you need to put them together and make some plans.  See where you're at and see where you want to be then map it out.  You don't have to go through life in the dark.  By making plans you can have a better handle on the journey.  Of course there are going to be bumps in the road and detours will be taken, but you will have what you need for the journey.  You control the situation the situation does not control you.  Unless you let it...but that's up to you.

4.  Pray.
Ok I know that not everyone does this or believes in God, but you need to do something that is special to you.  Whether its prayer, meditate, chant, you can even dance around I don't know.  I like to pray and meditate.  Whether its seeking divine help or simply clearing your mind and being at peace, you need to feel some sort of serenity and comfort in life.  You need to find your self and feel ok about that.  You need to feel ok about everything.  In a previous post I used the example of the Savior calming the sea in two different situations.  You need the calm in the midst of the storm.  Help is there if you want it.

5.  Make commitments.
These are like goals, but I think of them as being more committed and serious.  You need to commit to improving something.  Keep them simple at first.  Things that you know you can accomplish, celebrate, and feel the success that you can have.  A commitment is saying "I will..." and actually doing it.  Commitment helps with determination.  You need to be determined and committed to yourself and your happiness.

6.  Do it to it!
Ok now get back to doing what truly makes you happy.  Get back to enjoying life.  Stay active, stay busy, stay happy.  You may not be where you want to be but you are heading in the right direction.  You are moving towards what you want and that should make you happy.

Well my friends, I hope this post isn't too much.  I want you to know that I'm happy and I'm satisfied with life.  Life is good.  I'm excited for the holidays.  I'm happy with what I have in life and I'm working hard for bigger and better things.