The day of the "jube" จุบ

This is a fond memory from my time in Thailand serving a two-year voluntary missionary service for the LDS church.  Now for those unfamiliar with the standards the church holds for missionaries, missionaries, of course, wear the white shirts and ties, clean cut, etc.  Missionaries also have to refrain from flirting or having intimate relationships with others.  Anyway, it's like any job where you can do what you want on your own time but when on the clock you abide by the policies, procedures, and standards set by your employer.  For missionaries, you're on the clock 24/7 for two years.  So enough about that here is what went down straight from a journal that I kept while in Thailand.

April 15, 2007 - The Day of the "Jube" จุบ

Well what a day today was.  Today was the final day of Songkran.  We also had church.  I didn't understand anything so I was drawing and doodling most of the time.  The lunch they served was flat out gross!  It wasn't anything too weird or strange, but man...it was nasty.  I had to throw it away (when no one was looking of course). 

Going back home from Ubon, now that was an interesting ride.  The driver of our tuk tuk must have really wanted to get us soaked.  He drove by every big group of busy streets that he could.  Then he drove by the whore house.  The karaoke bars lit up with Christmas lights drawing people in like bugs to those electric zappers.  They draw your attention with all the lights, then you notice the scantily clad girls (or lady-boys) sitting in a row out front by the door waiting to lead in any passerby.  Then they go in with a girl, and come out later probably spending the night surprised that what appeared to be a girl in the dimly lit light...was a dude.  Like a venus fly trap...nope, a venus/mars fly trap.  You get a little of both.

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Moving on!  So the driver pulls up to the Karaoke bar and a couple of guys with short shorts and midriffs come dancing up blowing their whistles and dancing around the tuk tuk.  I felt like I was in a cage observing sharks.  I couldn't speak the language and this was my first time in Songkran so I didn't know what to expect.  The driver turned off the engine and sat back folding his arms all smug thinking that he was doing us a favor showing us a good time.  Then the girls/lady-boys came.

At first they started the powder on the cheeks routine that everyone does in Songkran, I looked to Elder Coons, who was my trainer, and he said that it was ok just to take it.  Nothing else we really could do our tuk tuk was stopped and we were literally surrounded.  Then they actually started coming into the tuk tuk with us.  Elder Coons was trying to convince the driver that we had to go and also telling the girls to get out of the tuk tuk.  All the while, I'm being mobbed from all sides.  Hands were coming from every direction smearing, smudging and wiping the pasty powder on my face.  Two girls climbed in the tuk tuk and sat on my lap, I immediately started pushing them off of me while having my shirt collar pulled every which way by those around the tuk tuk.  Elder Coons shoved one girl out and kept insisting the driver go.  Then they started kissing my face.  I thought that this was nuts!  Elder Coons just told me to take it from the beginning so while he was doing his thing I just sat there being yanked around saying thank you over and over again in Thai, that was one of the only phrases I knew, and having girls and probably guys kissing me from all directions while two girls were dancing in my lap. 

Finally, Elder Coons got them out of our metal cage strapped to a motorcycle and the tuk tuk started moving.  I was still having people tug on my collar by I was slapping hands away as if I were being attacked by bees.  That  was an interesting ride for sure.  We both sat back, I was a mess.  My face was all pasty white from the powder attack and my collar and tie were all crooked.  I was in a dress shirt and tie and completely soaked.  Elder Coons pulled a condom package out of his shirt pocket and tossed it out of the tuk tuk.  Apparently while they were dancing around they were tossing condom packets around too.  At least some of the girls were cute, even Elder Coons admitted to that.  He looked at me and said that there wasn't anything that we could've done and to consider myself a lucky missionary.  I asked if any kissed him and he said no, he was watching them all kiss me!  Crazy...and kind of creepy.

Later on in the day we were still soaked out on our bikes and some guys (very drunk) ran up and stopped our bikes.  Literally grabbed our handlebars and stopped our bikes.  They dumped water on us and tried convincing and leading us to go drink with them.  A thai midget (or little person whatever you want to call them) ran up and rubbed Elder Coon's belly.  Didn't understand that.  As Elder Coons broke free and started peddling off a guy leaned in and tried to kiss me, but I definitely wouldn't have any of that!  So I knocked him right square in the middle of his chest sending him stumbling back banging up against a truck.  As he buckled to the ground I took off.  Girls kissing me, I can handle that.  But a dude...sorry, I can't have any of that.  After today Songkran is over and wow it has been crazy!  What an incredible experience.  I have been in this country for a few weeks now and this is what it already has in store for me.  These people are so mellow and nice usually but come Songkran they just go flat out insane!  I don't know, I guess its like Mardi Gras back home but also include a week long water fight to the party.